Friday, October 28, 2011

Hooking 101

So, I ended up on the wrong side of town today. Wait, that didn't sound right.  I was driving to the cheap but geographically challenged Walmart today. Um, let me try again...I was in my car at a stop light, in a seedy part of town today. *sigh* Any way I put it, it sounds bad.

Moving on.

While in my car waiting at a stop light, I happened to glance out the window and saw a woman standing at the corner of a business plaza. Now, I use the word "plaza" in a very broad term as "plaza" might imply some sense of elegance or class. At the very least, graffiti free walls and a garbage free parking lot. But stay with me.

So, I really don't pay this woman any attention because people are not at all an unusual occurrence. At least, not where I'm from. I sat patiently, waiting for the light to turn and didn't give her another thought until I heard, "Well, that's not working. Who wants to buy some ass?". Now, remember, I'm in my car with the window barely cracked, a full 2 lanes and a sidewalk away from her and I can hear her as if she is in my backseat. Thankfully, she was not in my backseat as I would have immediately needed to take the car to a detailer and have them clean the seats. I possibly would have even had to sell the car.

Phew, dodged that bullet.

So, she's yelling, "Who wants to buy some ass?". Now, I can only imagine what her tactic had been up until this moment, the one that caused her such distress that she had to abandon it and get out the Big Guns. Let this be a lesson to you, if at first you don't succeed, shout to the Heavens that your ass is for sale.

She sure got my attention! But as I am in fact, a girl, married, fearful of STD's and generally against one selling their body for money, I had to resist her ever so tempting offer. Instead, I chuckled and shook my head as one can only do in times of extreme disbelief. Apparently, she saw this and took offense because the next words I heard were, "That's what you have to do when you have a family!"

Soo, if you have a family, you have to what? Sell yourself in front of the local pizza joint? Damn, I've been taking the wrong approach all these years! Here I thought that working was the way to go. How could I have been so misled?

I very calmly drove though the intersection and didn't say what I wanted to say, which was, "Get a fucking job!" or "Lay off the crack!"

Good times. And my husband wonders why I want to move.    

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Hey Snooks...

You know what I don't get? The public's fascination with Snooki. It seems like every time I turn around, she's being talked about. People discuss what she's wearing, who she's sleeping with...uh, the book(s) she wrote??? WTF? Apparently, she's not as dumb as I think she is (actually, I'm really quite sure she's not all that smart), she just plays one on TV. Seriously, she told Matt Lauer, "I think [on the show] you see more of like, the party side of me, which I call Snooki. It's kind of my alter ego," she explained. "That's what you see on the show, but right now you are talking to Nicole. It's like the soft, calm, business-ready person.". Really? You're so smart and business minded that you...what, need an alter ego so people aren't intimidated by you? So that they will appreciate your funny, party side and not just see you for a "business girl"? Huh. Sure, that makes sense. Throw them off the business scent with your ridiculous hair, pouty kissy face and exposed boobs. That will make the think twice before they take you serious again!

Let's review...

This is what we are talking about...

Not, oh I don't know...curing cancer, stopping domestic violence, saving our fragile earth. Nope, we're talking about Snooki.


Oh, the humanity.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

In which the need for an umbrella is strong

I wonder about people. I wonder if some were deprived of oxygen when they were babies or if they hit their heads one to many times. Seriously, I do, because I've decided that there has to be a reasonable explanation for all the stupidity I see. For instance...

My family was at an amusement park the other weekend. Good times, right? Sure, up until we were almost vomited on.

We had just exited a ride that flips you upside down, several times. Now, this is not a ride that is shrouded in secrecy. Nope, it's out there in plain view for all to see. If you get on the ride, you are going upside down. Period. Not rocket science. So, we were exiting and the exit ramp parallels the landing that you step out onto after you get off the ride, but it's at a lower level. So, you are almost underneath the landing. With me? Good. As we begin to walk down the ramp, I look up and see a boy (maybe 10, 11) leaning over the landing railing. I don't think much of it until I see a long line of drool hanging out of his mouth. Then, I hear his mother (who is standing next to him) shout to someone waiting for them, "He's getting sick, do you have any water?".

Let's pause for a moment.

If your kid is getting sick, do you call for water? Do you have him hang over a railing that overlooks an area where people are walking?

The answer is no. NO.

The correct response should have been to rush him away from everyone and perhaps find a bathroom or possibly a bush. But did this mom do that? Nooooo. She stood by and watched him vomit. Over the railing. Near the people. Awesome.

I really want you to experience what we experienced. So, I drew you a picture. You're welcome.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The "new me"

As you might remember, I recently left my job at my beloved Jr. High school. This has actually been such a blessing in disguise, I can't even begin to tell you. Anyway, I still do some sub work for them and was there just yesterday and something fantastic happened. Did you note my sarcasm there? No? Let me try again...While subbing yesterday, something "fantastic" happened! Better? Bueno.

Like I was saying...

I got to meet the new me. Alright, technically, she's not the new me because technically, my old job was eliminated and technically you can't let someone go and then turn around and hire someone else to do their job. This is not to say that this person doesn't do exactly what I did (but not as good, but that's just my bad attitude talking), working out of my office, seeing my kids for the same reasons that I saw them. But, these are just little, inconsequential details, right? Right?? Sure.

Don't distract me.

So I met "the new me but not really me" and I really intended to like her because she is working with great people, great kids and ultimately the situation that I found myself in was not in any way her fault. I was doing really well with her obnoxious accent, ridiculous "dress code" and lack of courtesy. Really, I was. Don't laugh.

Then, after I told her who I was and that I used to do what she was now doing (but not really *wink wink*), she said, "Oh, so they found something for you to do here then?". This was accompanied by the ever so sympathetic head tilt and concerned pinch of the eyebrows.  May I also point out that with these displays of "aww, that's too bad" there was a definite inflection of "Well aren't you the dumbest thing I've ever laid eyes on and it's no wonder you couldn't keep your job you uneducated piece of shit".

I didn't say, "I hope the kids eat you alive" or "Bitch please, you couldn't do HALF my job" or even "Your accent makes me want to shove hot pokers in my ears".

No, no, I smiled sweetly and walked away. And then I came home and blogged. Karma's a bitch folks and she's gonna spank this chick. And not in a good way.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Rabbit season

What is the world coming to??? Today, I saw:

  • A personalized license plate that read, "SXEGRAN". First of all, I firmly believe that there are very few truly "sexy grandma's". This is not to say that women can't age gracefully and look beautiful at any age but quite frankly, the two words tend to represent the complete opposite of each other. Secondly, I don't care what age you are, if you need a sign claiming you are "sexy", you probably aren't. Period.
  • Two young gentlemen/gangbangers wearing Elmer Fudd hats. I had an intense desire to confront one of them and A) Try to kill the animal that had clearly taken up residence on their heads.    B) Take a picture of them, show it to them so they could see how utterly ridiculous they looked (then, post it to the Internet...I'm not dumb) or C) Ask them if their goal was to make themselves look like complete assholes and thereby less threatening in order to throw their prey off guard. You should be proud, reader...I did none of these things. I settled for laughing hysterically. When I got to my car. And locked the door...Like I said, I'm not dumb.

For your viewing pleasure...

"Shh, be verwy quiet..I'm hunting Wabbits"

Monday, October 10, 2011

Limp is never a good thing...

You know what I don't get? The Limp Handshake. You know what I'm talking about. When you reach out to shake someones hand and you get...fingertips. What, are you too delicate to use your whole hand? Do you possess superhuman strength and you can't trust yourself to not rip my arm off my body and that's why I only get the fingertips? Are you hiding a hand buzzer and waiting to zap someone else and don't want to give yourself away? Do you have "palm hair" and am embarrassed by it?

Wait, that was a ridiculous question because if I had palm hair, I would definitely be embarrassed and would attempt to hide it all cost. I withdraw the question.

Or is it me?

It's me, isn't it??

You find me repulsive, don't you? I knew it. Seriously, I shower every day, I wash my hands after going to the bathroom. I'm not dirty, I swear.

What's that? It's not me, it's you? Sure. Sure.

Either way, I find your limp handshake both superficial and weird. Personally, I think that if all you are offering in return for my proffered hand is the equivalent of a dead fish you A)Need a warning sign and B)Should have to explain yourself after each handshake fail.

Saturday, October 8, 2011


Sometimes, when my kids touch me, I want to shout, "2319!" Especially in public.

Friday, October 7, 2011

In which I share my talent

I am soo talented. Seriously, my talent is unrivaled. Observe...

I never fail to choose the one bathroom stall in the ENTIRE bathroom that has just been used to make an incredibly malodorous deposit. True story.

I am also quite adept at picking the shopping cart that has 3 squeaky/rusted/misaligned/missing wheels. Or, I consistently find every single microscopic piece of debris in the store and proceed to roll over it, rendering my one good wheel completely immobile.

When I do finally make it to the check out line, I attempt to employ my keen wit and wisdom in choosing which line is best for me. All I can say is this - It's a good thing I didn't have many birth control options back in the day because if I chose birth control like I choose check out lines, I would not only ALWAYS be waiting in the longest line ever, I would be doing so with a shitload of kids.

I have a knack for standing/walking/sitting/being breathed upon by the one person in a 15 mile radius that has chosen to not shower, brush their teeth or apply deodorant.

See? Told you. Talent...I have it.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

A fly's revenge. Or, how I mangled the keyboard.

I was working the other day and was being harassed by a fly. Naturally, I did what came...well, naturally. I murdered it. In cold blood. Gleefully grinning the entire time.
Unfortunately, the fly had its revenge because as I completed my downward swipe to end its miserable little life, I hit the keyboard of my laptop. Oops. I completely knocked off the "f" and "g" keys. My bad.
Although, my good friend Aimee told me I didn't need to swear about it, I could have just said "stinky g key".
Bah ha ha ha ha!

Monday, October 3, 2011


Words are pretty nifty things, don't you think? I mean, I don't like words like homework, vomit, taxes, cancer...words like that. But on the whole, words are way cool, right?

I was thinking the other day about words that I especially like. Of course, that sort of thinking brings me to a list. Why? I LOVE lists!!

Words I like:

  • Chortle - This just sounds fun, don't you think?
  • Martini - Think of all the ways you can describe this...Shaken, stirred, dirty, dry, olive, no olive!
  • Snafu - Now I wonder, is this really and truly a word? An official word? I really don't care either way, just wondering...
  • Mrs. Nezbit - Okay, okay...I know this is a) two words and b) technically, not really a word at all, but really, is there a cooler sounding name? I think not.
  • Fritter - As in, "He frittered away all his money". Doesn't this sound so much better than "wasted"?
  • Hankering - I would rather have a hankering for something rather than a mere craving. If you're craving something, I imagine a drooling, wild-eyed mess. Whereas, when you have a hankering for something, you could be roping cows and shearing sheep while wishing you had something! This sounds much more exciting.
  • Porcupine - No reason, really...I just like the way it sounds. ;)
Ahh, words...little words, big words, silly words and serious ones.