Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Queen's addendum

When I assume control over the world, the following shall join my initial set of rules:

  • If a woman is enjoying a glass of wine, she is automatically "off limits" to children, spouses, debt-collectors and salesmen. No exceptions. In the event of an emergency, dial 911 and inform the operator of this rule. (Marisa is in charge here)
  • There shall be an immediate ban on ALL sales calls. Forever.
  • If you can't behave like a sensitive, courteous human being, you are not allowed into the movie theater. Furthermore, there shall be absolutely no children allowed in a movie that has a rating greater than "G". (Weltha is in charge here)
  • There shall be roving squads of "Stupid Patrol". If you are found to be behaving in a way that is deemed stupid, you will be subject to heavy fines and the possible removal of whatever appendage that was being misused at the time. 
  • Fitting room mirrors and lighting will be subject to rigid standards. Standards set forth by normal size women. 
  • All financial institutions shall be re-structured to actually do what they were meant to do...hang on to your $ until you need it, not attempt to screw you six ways from Sunday. And, they will all be run by women because we all know that women are more logical and organized than our counterparts.
  • Every time a women gives birth, she shall be offered (for no additional cost) a nip and tuck. And lipo. and a boob lift.
I think this would get us off to a good start, don't you?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

If I were Queen

I told my boss today that I should be in charge. Of everything. Seriously. I have a plan if this dream was to ever come to fruition:

  • If you can't be a sensible parent (note I didn't say good parent because oftentimes we are not. but sensible is not too much to ask), then you are to be subjected to a series of fines and if you can't get your act together, you will be sterilized to avoid future births.
  • Politicians shall be replaced by moms and only moms. Why? We are great at multi-tasking, we can give you an ass-whupping and then slap a band-aid on when you whine about it. Don't you think this approach would solve a multitude of global problems?
  • If you drive like an idiot, you shall be treated by an idiot. By this I mean your license, your car, your fuzzy dice and possibly your driving foot shall be taken away from you. No exceptions.
  • There shall be no more starving models walking around making the rest of us feel like big piles of poo.
  • If you can't play nice with the country next door to you, you shall be grounded with absolutely no privileges until you can play nice. If you are a repeat offender you shall be declared a menace and will be subject to punishment in the form of sewer scrubber. Forever.
  • Reality shows shall be declared unfit television and will be removed from existence. With the exception of  Who do you Think you are?, Hell's Kitchen  and most things on HGTV. Why? Because I like them.
See? A few basic rules and the world can be a better place.   

Thursday, March 17, 2011

In which I explain my absence

I feel I have neglected you, Intrepid Readers, my apologies. Sometimes in life, you just have to stop and take a breath...this is one of those times. In the past week, there have been events that have occurred that have changed my own little corner of the world. Whether these changes will be for the good or the...not so good remains to be seen. If there is one thing I have learned in my life it's not to panic, even when I want to. So, friends, if I go MIA for a few days or seem slightly distracted or *gasp* less than witty, this is why.

I know that things always have a way of working out and that no matter what happens today, the sun will rise again tomorrow (hopefully).

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I have officially experienced the epic waste of government money. Remember that I was serving on a jury last week? We're done now and I can give you the scoop. We sat in a court room from 10 to 4 for four days listening to attorneys... Objection! Can we have a sidebar? Can we have a 5 minute recess so I can get some water? Would you please just answer the question? And so on and so on... What was the big hulabaloo? This guy took a bunch of muscle relaxers, got behind the wheel, drove recklessly, got pulled over, failed 5 out of 6 field sobriety tests, admitted to taking prescription drugs and was arrested. In 2009. Because he pled not guilty, our job was to determine whether he was driving while under the influence of a drug. Did I mention that the night he was arrested, he had a blood draw which later revealed the presence of both the drugs he admitted to taking that night? I cannot express to you the utter stupidity that was this trial. The guy was clearly impaired, admitted to the drugs and his blood test ratted him out. Needless to say, we deliberated less than an hour and returned a guilty verdict.

Because of this amazing journey, I missed 4 days of work, paid $8 a day for parking, $7 a day for lunch and close to $40 total for gas. I figure that when all was said and done, I actually paid out of pocket to be a juror.

Tax dollars at work, folks!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Jury Duty

I'm currently serving as a juror at the county courthouse and all I have to say at this time is this...

While I can appreciate the importance of every defendant's right to a fair trial, I also have to admit that I am completely bored by the tedious nature of the courtroom. If the defense isn't calling for a sidebar, the DA is objecting to something. If one of the two isn't doing that, the judge is calling for a recess. I'm trying real hard to do my civic duty but I can totally see why people avoid this like the plague.

I'll let you know how it turns out when they release me back to the wild.