Friday, December 9, 2011

In which my neighbor's true identity is revealed

I firmly believe that my neighbor is indeed, a superhero.

How can I know this, you ask? Well, I'll tell you...

Around Halloween, I happened to glance at his front window (this is a bedroom with a window that faces the street) and I saw what I can only imagine to be a poster featuring Batman, The Riddler and The Joker (I think). I didn't really think anything of this as it was Halloween and people do some weird shit to their houses around this time of year. Did I mention he is really, really weird? No? Well, that won't do.

He only wears sweatpants and muscle shirts with tennis shoes. This would be okay if he say, worked at a gym or spent alot of time at the gym or...was an 80's Jazzercise instructor. To my knowledge, he is none of these things so this behavior becomes weird and slightly disturbing. He also wears a fanny pack.

A fanny pack. You read that right. My theory about this is that he distracts bad guys with its weirdness and then does his superhero thing.

He's also probably in his 50's. And by his own admission, stays up most of the night and sleeps very, very late the next day. Not quite feeling the weird? I can fix that.

He combs all his (grey) hair up to the front of his head and then does a weird sort of poofy thing right at the top of his forehead. It sort of resembles a pompadour which looks super hot on say...

Sean Connery (you're welcome)


James Dean (again, you're welcome)

or even...

John Travolta (while he's not my favorite, he still rocked the pompadour. oh, you're welcome)

Does my neighbor look anything like this? Well, of course he doesn't. He just looks weird. Oh! I almost forgot the event that confirmed my suspicions. I was in the backyard and glanced over his fence. I had a direct view of his dining room window and what do you think was hanging in this window? Bedsheets with ninjas on them. Ninja sheets, doesn't get any weirder. Ninjas added to the Marvel comic character poster (which is still there. In December.), could really only mean one thing. He is, in fact, a superhero. 

Because really, what other explanation could there be?

Thursday, December 8, 2011

In which I'm traumatized at the grocery store

I'm a huge fan of flip-flops. I've been known to wear them in the rain, in 30ยบ weddings. You get the point. However, there should be rules attached to wearing flip-flops.

Take for example the man I saw in the store last night. I went in for tortillas because I was going to make fish tacos. Mmmm, fish tacos. Is there anything better than fish tacos? No, the answer is no. Unless, of course you don't like fish or are allergic to fish, then I can well imagine you can think of many things that are better than fish tacos. Like my friend Marisa who is completely in LOVE with avocados, I bet she would say that avocados are better than fish tacos. I would vehemently disagree with her though because I think avocados are right up there with beets and peas and head lice. Not that I would eat head lice, but you get what I'm saying.

Where was I...right, the man wearing flip-flops. While waiting in line, I happened to glance down at his feet and was treated to the nastiest thing. Ugly toe nails. Now, before you get all hopped up, let me clarify that there is a difference between toe nails that aren't attractive and UGLY toe nails. These were ugly. I would even go so far as to say they were fugly. Fugly nails, people. They were a weird brownish-yellowish color and they looked like they could take a layer of skin off if they were to attack you. Needless to say I was not only traumatized by this but I was also unable to look away. It was like a train wreck, you don't want to look but you can't stop looking.

It was wrong. So very, very wrong.

So, the rules...well, it's only one rule, but I think it's a pretty great rule.

If you wear flip-flops, please make sure you don't have toe-nails that look they belong on some pre-historic beast.

Am I asking for the impossible? No, no I'm not.