Wednesday, February 22, 2012

iPods, fractures and a discount

I think there is a conspiracy against me, and my iPod is in on it.

Due to the excessive amount of time I spend in my car, I have been listening to a lot of podcasts. Alot of them. Yesterday, while driving to school, I started the first podcast in my "Stuff Mom Never Told You" queue. Ordinarily, these are fairly benign and often very educational. Good stuff.

Not this time.

The podcast was titled "Is masturbation good for you", an enticing title, to be sure. They started out talking about the different myths associated with masturbation and statistics of who is doing it and where. For the most part, this didn't sound to dangerous, so I kept listening. I was doing really well until the conversation turned to the dangers of men humping hard surfaces. Hard surfaces?? What, like the table or a door? No, no...the floor. WTF?? Guys hump the floor?! Apparently, they do and if they do it too hard (!!), they risk the chance of a penile fracture.


You heard it right folks, penile fracture. I almost had to stop the car so that I could vomit. *shudders*

I decided the safest course of action would be to change podcasts. Yeah, I'm just that smart.

So, I switched to "Stuff From The Science Lab - Those crazy Kimodos". Cool, right? Not so much. Apparently, Kimodo Dragons vomit. All. The. Time. And not just your normal vomit, they vomit things like partially digested goats. Goats!

And, another switch. This time it was about sending Jay-Z and Beyonce on the Virgin Galactic to film a music video. At the cost of $200,000. It's a good thing people don't waste money on stupid shit. Let me tell you that as soon as I heard the words "vomit bag", I switched again.

Then, I noticed the title on the next podcast... How the digestive system works.


On the upside, I went to Save Mart after class to do some grocery shopping. As I was checking out, I handed the lady my S.H.A.R.E.S. card (super cool if you've never heard of it. You earn points every time you shop and then Save Mart sends a check to your school. Check it out.). As she proceeds to push the button telling the register that she is going to slide my card, she accidentally presses the senior discount button. Sweet! $10 off my grocery purchase! I am totally willing to be a senior, if it saves me money.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

And lice for all!

There is a school district in California who shall remain nameless...but I can tell you that there is an IUSD in its initials and it's in the armpit of the state and if you like tacos, you would love it there. But I'm not going to tell you its name, so don't ask.

Anyway, this district is experiencing an EPIC lice outbreak. And by epic, I mean 70+ cases in grades K-6. That's alot of creepy crawlies. After weeks of trying to get rid of the little buggers, the school is now receiving angry phone calls from parents who can't understand, "Why is my child being sent home from school over and over? There's only a few little bugs. And Eggs. But, why? I don't understand!".

Now, for those of you not intimately familiar with how lice and kids work, let me give you a little lesson.

A live lice decides to take up residence on a kid's head. Let's call him Justin (as in Beiber, who is in fact, a girl). Justin's hair looks like an awesome place to live and so the lice begins to lay eggs on the hair shafts. The eggs hatch and produce a multitude of fellow creepy crawlies that skitter around, making Justin itch and then lay more eggs.

(Are you scratching yet? Because I am.)

Justin decides to be a gentleman and share his manly comb with Kim (as in Kardashian, who is in fact, a gold digging tramp). Kim's little heart goes pitter patter and she practically swoons while she combs her tresses with Justin's comb. Oh, the ecstasy! Well, guess what? Kim has a new friend, and it's name is Lice. That's nice. So Kim's lice carry on the family name by laying more and more eggs which hatch more and more lice.

(I need a shower. With bleach.)

The lice now have control of the school, despite efforts by the staff and teachers to eliminate the spread of these little beasts. Why, you ask? Because the parents are lazy (I know I know, not all of them are lazy. But just enough of them are lazy that the efforts of the valiant are overshadowed by the non-effort of the few) and they don't want to comb through EVERY STRAND of hair on their kid's head. And who could blame them? It sucks, alot. But this is the only way to prevent world domination. You have to treat and comb, treat and comb. And repeat. Because if you don't, the eggs will keep hatching and the lice will keep laying. Remember science and biology? Hell, remember pregnancy? If you don't take measures to prevent it, reproduction will happen.

On a side note...spay and neuter your pets. And strange relatives.

(My head itches. Alot.)

Now that you are up to date on how lice work, let's rejoin our intrepid school district. Where was I...

Right, parents are calling and complaining. So, rather than holding the line and saying to these parents, "Sorry, your little Lice Factory has to be Nit Free and certainly Live Lice Free before they can return to school", the district is considering changing their policy from "No Nits" to allowing children with nits to stay at school and children with LIVE, CRAWLING lice to remain at school until the end of the school day.

Well, that sounds like a stellar idea. Because the lice will totally respect the sanctity of the classroom and refrain from infecting other kids because we all know that lice appreciate and endorse education and the learning environment.


Are you vomiting yet?

So kiddies, let this be a lesson to you. If you see LIVE CRAWLING lice during the school hours, don't even worry about it, because I'm sure your school district has thought it through.

I need to go and shave my head.