Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Toilet paper, the media and keeping your butt clean

The media subjects us to all sorts of things, don't you think? We get to hear about every medication for every ailment and all their glorious side effects. We are privy to the fireworks intended to represent orgasmic climaxes, compliments of K-Y Jelly. We get to hear about incontinence and constipation. We are so eloquently educated on the perils of not wearing the "right protection" during Aunt Flo's monthly visits. Good times.

As much as I hate every single one of these commercials, there is not one of these that compares with toilet paper commercials.

Really, toilet paper? Have we devolved enough as a society that we don't know to grab some toilet paper and wipe our asses? Not only do we have to be told to do it, we have to be told to do it by a family of bears, which in my observation spends a freakish amount of time taking a dump.

You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that make taking a shit a family affair. Disturbing at best.

To add insult to injury, the logo is currently "Enjoy the Go". Seriously, it is, I checked the website. The moment you open the site, you are treated to a cute little video extolling the relief, the calm of "going". Especially after morning coffee, "talk about getting things going!".

I may vomit.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Just one more reason I drink

I had no idea that when I signed up to be a mom that I would be required to also act as warden, cop and referee. Well, the referee part I kind of expected because my sister and I were almost always at war with each other. The warden part wasn't a surprise either because in general, children tend to act like little criminals...but perhaps with not as much malice as your common criminal. But the cop part? Really? For all my enforcement, I should have a badge. And a gun. And a bullet proof vest. And a Taser gun.

What do I police, do you ask?

You name it...dirty clothes, dinner time, homework, showers, bedtime.

Bedtime in particular. How fucking hard is it to just go to bed when I ask you to? This is what generally happens in my house come bedtime.

Me: Please go shower, brush your teeth and get your jammies on.

Minion: *ominous silence*

Me: Get up and get in the shower.

Minion: I'm hungry.

Me: Move. Now.

Minion: Do I have to take a shower?

Me: Yes. Go. Now.
Minion: Do I have to go first?

Me: You do now, just for asking that. Move it.

Minion: *flounces down the hall, slams the door*

Me: Where's the wine?

40 minutes later

Me: Seriously? Get out of the shower and go to bed!

Minion: Mommmm, I am!

Me: Wine?

Minion: Why are you mad? Gah!!

Me: Shoot me.

All in all, the whole ordeal takes at least an hour. And usually ends up with me having to shadow their every move in order to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. It also ends up with one or more of them looking at me like my head is spinning around on my shoulders and asking why I'm irritated. You can't imagine? Really?

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

In which we Journal

I'm not sure how many of you have discovered Pinterest. For those of you that have, you know of its greatness and for those of you who haven't...well, either stay in the dark about it or be ready for an instant addiction!

On the down side, I am now guilty of spending a HUGE amount of time pinning and re-pinning. Huge, I tell you. I'm not even going to admit how much time I spend on there because it's almost embarrassing.

On the upside, I have tried several recipes and made several crafts from the site. I have plenty more to try but in the meantime, I'm going to let you peek at one of my favorites so far.

I went to the Dollar Store and bought a composition book, whipped out some pretty scrapbook paper and cut it with some pretty scissors. Then I stenciled "you & me" and attached it to the front of the book (I used photo squares).

On the inside, I needed to cover the name, address, phone number, subject stuff. I typed up a little something, cut it down to size, then glued it in. This is what it says...

You and Me

These pages are a safe place to talk with me about anything.

Anything under the sun...

Happy thoughts

Angry thoughts

Curious thoughts

Scared thoughts

Frustrated thoughts

Dreamy thoughts

Sometimes it's hard to speak our thoughts and sometimes it's hard to find the right thing to say. Here, you can write to me anytime you want to and I will always answer.

No matter what words we might say or write to each other, always remember the most important words of all...


I now have a journal with both my girls and I have to say, the things my 13 year old has written to me are both heartbreaking and priceless.

Heartbreaking because I remember feeling the way she feels now...Middle School sucks. Priceless because sometimes I feel that I'm doing a shitty job as a mom and it gives me great encouragement to hear that she thinks I'm pretty fine.

Composition book $1.00
Time spent creating journal 20 minutes
The opportunity to have open dialogue with my girls...Priceless.

Monday, November 7, 2011

And so it goes

So, I was thinking the other day...

Wouldn't it be funny if...

I was driving to school and I saw...


Fuckity fuck. I've got nothin'.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Decisions, decisions

I'm having a hard time right now. There are some hard decisions that I have to make and to be quite honest...I don't want to make them. Seriously, I NEVER want people to tell me what to do, but I would welcome some bossy moo-cow into my life right now for the sole purpose of telling me what to do because I can't see things clearly enough to decide for myself.