Sunday, May 29, 2011

Bite me

I'm pretty easy going about stuff...That is to say that I have learned to pick my battles and try with everything in me to not get bent over stuff that a) I can't do anything about and b) in a million years, it's not going to make a difference.

That being said, I am fierce when it comes to my kids and The Mr.

Scary fierce.

I am currently hanging on by a thread to not take someone apart.

Stab them with a dull spoon.


Self-control sucks.

p.s. I'm trying desperately to respond to comments, but apparently Blogger is having issues. Hmmm

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Say what?

Day 5 (of 30ish)

Parenting brings many joys (said with extreme snarkiness). No really, joy is an every day experience! As is confusion, frustration, exasperation and just plain silliness. The girls never cease to amaze me, many of you might remember "The Great Gender Debate" as recorded here. Now, for your reading pleasure, may I present other delightful things that come out of my mouth in response to motherhood.

Things I never thought I would say. Ever.

  • Quit sitting in the garbage can
  • If you plan on calling my daughter anytime soon, you better sit down and read a book this weekend (said to a boy who likes my daughter)
  • Don't lick your sister.
  • Go into the bathroom, turn the water on, take your clothes off, get in the shower, get UNDER the water. Apply soap, rinse it off, turn off the water, get out, dry off, put your clothes back on. (in response to the smarty pants who stood in the shower, fully clothed without the water on. Why, you ask? Because I told her to jump in the shower. awesome.)

And people wonder why my bloggy name is Ringmaster...

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Secret Spy stuff

Things I call the cat.

His name is Shadow but because he is secretly a highly intelligent government operative, he goes by many names...

SeƱor Tiny Paws
Monsieur Pointy Ears
Sir Fuzzy Tail
Colonel Claws

Keep it to yourself. Okay, if you HAVE to tell someone, make sure that they don't tell anyone because that's how secrets get out and rumors get started.

Also, I will deny everything...

Friday, May 13, 2011

We all scream...

Is it just me or does the ice cream truck creep you out? The music reminds me of something the witch in the gingerbread house would play or the truck that snatched kids away in the night from a movie that I can't for the life of me remember the title of.

I can imagine the truck creeping down the street blaring out the warbling sound of a slightly unsettling nursery rhyme with the Mom from Flowers in the Attic behind the wheel ready to hold children hostage in the attic and slowly poison them all for the sake of a little cash and a roll in the hay.

Does anyone find the idea of the ice cream truck just that much disturbing? I mean, come're buying FOOD from a stranger. Not only is he a stranger, but he's a stranger luring your kid to his scary child molester van with sweets. What, so we tell the kids never to accept food from strangers except the greasy weirdo behind the wheel of a rolling Kid Snatcher? "Don't even worry about him kids, I'm sure he's a very nice man who just happens to get his kicks from enticing your sweet little faces as close as possible to the open door of his van while playing Disney music and waving ice cream around. I'm sure he's juuussst fine."

Oh, and the prices suck too.


You know you need a vacation when a Jr Higher comes to the office for some stupid complaint (again) and the thing you want to say most in the world is, "Listen here, you little Fucker..."

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Between friends

Day 4 (of 30ish)

Things I love

In which I tell you about my other BFF ♥

My friend Kat is probably one of my favorite people in the whole world and I'll tell you why.

Just about everything she touches works out. I don't know how she does it, but I am in awe.
The more kids she has around her, the more she thrives. It's all I can do to make it through the day with 2 and she make 4 and sometimes 6 kids look like a walk in the park.
She is completely comfortable in her own skin and if you don't like it, tough.
She has been my friend since High School and even though there have been times when we weren't close, we always return to the comfortable friendship that only true friends experience.
Family comes first for her. Always.
She's ballsy. In a good way.
I know that I can call her anytime, anyplace for anything and she will always be there.
She's one of those people that subscribes to the mentality that if you fuck with one of us, you fuck with all of us. I like that.
She loves me for me. Not who I could be or who I could be for her. Me. Just me. That's awesome.

You should go visit her at Kat

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Riddle me this

Day 3 (of 30ish)

Things that baffle me

Fashion trends I just don't understand:

Skinny jeans for boys. Really? I wonder if that could make you all look any more awkward than you already do?

Super low slung jeans. Personally, I believe there's a problem when the distance from crotch to button is 2 inches. I live in fear I'm going to see things I shouldn't. Cover your goods, girls!

Really big, curly hair on boys. This is wrong. It was wrong when Afro's were the thing and it's wrong now.

The "Comb-Over" for girls. Have you seen this? Teenage girls that start their part above the ear and sweep it up and over their head? WTF is this??? Save the comb-over for when you're old.

Big Ass Urkel glasses. Or for you younger whipper-snappers, Napoleon Dynamite glasses. The girls are wearing these and I cannot fathom what would possess them to do so. They look retarded and they make you look retarded.

Maybe I'm aging myself and I fully understand the whole concept of fashion trends but come on, some things just shouldn't be tolerated. Stop this weirdy shit at once!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Behold, the dark side (of the wind)

*Taps the microphone*

Hello? Hello? Anyone there?

Sorry, I have completely ignored you and there really is no excuse for me so I won't even try. I will however give you a tiny little treasure to cherish today.

Me: "Hello, I'm calling because your child is absent from school today"

Parent: "Yes, my child has chapped lips so I kept him home today."

Me: "Wow. Really?"

Parent: "Yes, he has to put on chap stick all day long, so he couldn't come to school today."

Me: "..............Alright then."

The above is a true and accurate story, because can't make this shit up.