Thursday, September 29, 2011

The List

Apparently, I'm at a point in my life where I'm examining events and choices I have made in the past...This brings me to a new list.

Let's call this one, "Things I would do differently" or :Stupid decisions that I can't take back". Either way.

1. I would have worn sunblock and stayed out of the sun. Seriously folks...Cancer sucks (I don't have it, but I still know it sucks.)
2. I would have actually paid attention and put an effort into school. Instead I did awesome things like, setting the classroom on fire, throwing things, writing notes, daydreaming, name it.
3. I would have learned how to sew and cook. I taught myself to cook and that has come in pretty handy. Sewing...I don't have as close of a relationship with this one, but I would love to rectify that.
4. I wouldn't have gotten involved in drugs and alcohol. There are whole years I don't remember, thanks to my escapades.
5. I wouldn't have gotten married at 19. I would still have married The Mr., but later :)
6. I would have finished college the first time around because I gotta tell you...going back to school at 30 is no bueno. No bueno at all.
7. I would have dated more. Now, before you jump on me, let me 'splain. I would not have had more boyfriends, I would have dated more. You know, dinner, movie...Seriously, I think it's important to date, otherwise how are you going to know what you like or don't like??
8. I would have moved away from my family. Not because I don't love them, but because I think we gain a certain amount of maturity and wisdom when we live away from our safety net.

I'm sure there is more that I could add to this list. But I wont.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Disneyland and my unmentionables

The Mr. and I went to Disneyland this past weekend...just the two of us. Ahh, it was bliss. We walked hand in hand through the park. We sat close to each other on the benches and gazed into each others eyes.

We also gleefully shot past families waiting in line when we heard those magic words, "Party of two?" That was US! A party of two! It's not often we get to be a party of two and we intended to enjoy it to its fullest. We also took great satisfaction in knowing that any crying children we saw or heard were NOT ours and even took to laughing maniacally when any ride instructions directed riders to "please, watch your children". Ha! What are these children you speak of? We don't have any children!

Ah, good times...

We went back to the hotel that first night tired and happy and ready to sleep deeply so we could enjoy another blissful Disney day.

I showered, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, put on my jammies and then...WTF? Where's my panties?

TMI? Sorry folks, but if I had to endure, so do you.

I forgot to pack clean panties for myself. Wow. This was definitely a first as I truly understand and appreciate the importance of clean underwear.

After tearing my suitcase apart to make sure I didn't pack them in a secret compartment that even I didn't know about, I sadly came to the conclusion that I was indeed, pantie-less.

No bueno.

After I recovered from my shock and despair, I did what any resourceful wife and mom would do. I busted open the hotel soap and had a little laundry party in the bathroom sink. Pretty good, eh? I thought so too until I woke up the next morning to find that my panties were just as wet as they had been the night before.

Now, as much as I appreciated The Mr.'s offer to "wear his" underwear, I decided that men's boxers just weren't for me. Again, I did what any resourceful wife and mom would do.

I went commando.

That's right, you heard it here first.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Coffee, school and aliens

I think there's something wrong with my kids.

This morning, they were all ready for school but we still had about 10 minutes before we needed to leave. I decided to use this time wisely and by wisely I mean sitting down with my book and a cup of coffee. Right before I sat down, Zippy went to the front door and said, "Can we leave now?". No, mom needs coffee and her book.

I sat down, opened my book, breathed in the delicious, life-changing elixir of fresh coffee...

"Can we leave NOW?"

Really? I can't sit for 5 minutes and drink my coffee? Come on! It's bad enough they were hassling me but they were hassling me in order to go to school. Early! Who does this??

I never wanted to go to school. I dreamed up all kinds of reasons why I shouldn't have to go to school. But oh no, not my children. My children not only want to go, they want to go early. These same children wanted to leave Disneyland so they could go back to school. Kid. You. Not.


So, the logical conclusion I have arrived at is

a) There's something wrong with them


b) They are, in fact, aliens.

I'm going with "b"

Friday, September 9, 2011

Dress code

There is a disturbance in the force. I came home from bringing the girls to school, pulled into my driveway and was accosted by the sight of the man 2 doors down running amok in his underwear.

Okay...maybe not actually running, but he was definitely outside the safe zone in his chonies.

People please, put your clothes on!!!

This ranks right up there with going to the store in your jammies, walking around in your bunny slippers, women going "commando" and unfortunate public displays of Spandex.

All I ask is this, think before you walk out your door. Think to yourself, "Would I want my picture taken in this? Would I get arrested for wearing (or not wearing) this? Would this get-up enable me to catch the attention of the opposite sex?" Let's clarify that, shall we? I use the word "catch" in the sense that it would elicit an appreciative whistle or perhaps a classic, "How YOU doin'?", not "catch" in the sense that it would result in any of the following: a restraining order, a jump from a Taser or a faceful of Mace.

The guidelines are pretty clear, before leaving your safe zone, you should have the following:

1. Shirt - If you are a man with a washboard stomach, please feel free to skip this step.
2. Bra - Men, most of you can disregard this step. However, if you have moobs, please, please reconsider.
3. Underwear - Now, not all underwear is equal, you know it and I know it. Underwear should be just that..."Under Wear". Do we want to see your chonies? No. If this confuses you, please refer to guideline #4. Keep it covered, folks.
4. Shorts/Pants/Skirt - Keep in mind that at no time should your ass be visible. Period.
5. Footwear - Notice, I said "footwear" not "sleepwear.
6. Deodorant - I realize that this is not technically clothing but I feel that it is just as important.

Follow these guidelines boys and girls and we will all get along just fine.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Geek alert

You might remember my fully awesome math class as described here. My good friend Marisa asked if I had found "The Geek" yet and at that point, I hadn't. You will be happy to know that "The Geek" has finally made her appearance. She has been there from the first day of class but apparently was hiding her little Geek Light under a bushel. She started in before class even began with tales of her escapades in math lab where she cornered some poor, unsuspecting tutor and then "worked ahead 2 whole chapters!!". Little did we know, she was just getting warmed up...

She was fairly bursting with her need to fly her Geek colors and shortly after class started, couldn't contain it any longer. Her hand shot up in the air and she started firing off questions left and right, "Will we need to do the Austrian Method? When will the first test be? Is it alright if I worked ahead? I hope so, because I worked ahead 2 chapters!".

You should be so proud Intrepid Reader, I put my hand over my mouth and didn't say a word. Not a word.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Spam, it's what's for dinner!

Dear Credit Card Companies, Cable Companies, Religious Organizations, Life Insurance offices and other assorted tree killing, paper wasting, mailbox spamming people:

First and foremost, I am not "Our Friend at...". Seriously, I have enough friends and the ones I do have know my name. Secondly, if I want your credit card, cable service, insurance or ticket to Heaven, I'll let you know. Third, I don't appreciate the false hope you give me every time I open my mailbox. Let me 'splain...When I open the box I see envelopes, lots and lots of envelopes. Naturally, I think to myself, "They like you, they really like you! You have friends! People want to talk to you!" And then...nothing. Turns out, the only people that want to talk to me are: A) people I owe money to or B) people that want me to owe money to them. Finally, if you would put as much money into, oh, I don't know community services, education and health care that you put into printing and postage cost the world might be a better place. So, in the future, keep your "Last chance!", "Final offer!", "Act now!" shit to yourself, m'kay? Because frankly, it's only going to end up here...

Very truly yours,

Your Enemy at...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

In the car or short trip to crazy land

My family took a mini vacation this Labor Day weekend. We traveled about 7 hours to Southern California and spent some time on the beach and with family. First and foremost, you need to know that I don't like the beach. I know, I know...what kind of crazy person am I? But really, sand in unfortunate places? No thank you. Anyway, The Mr. and the girls LOVE going, so I brought along a book and a chair and enjoyed the beachy weather while they swam. But that's not what I want to tell you. What I want to tell you is that strange things happen when 4 people are in a car for long periods of time. For instance...

Little Bit, "Mom, she bit me and she licked me"

Zippy, "Mom, she bit me and licked me first"

Little Bit, "Mom, she took Mr. Bumble (this is her Pillow Pet...clearly not to be touched). Let's take her to get the cheapest, ugliest pillow pet, then she won't take mine anymore"

Kid. You. Not.

I was also privileged enough to hear the Happy Nappers jingle, reasons why boys are dumb and a running monologue of Little Bit being Tour Guide Barbie for Mr. Bumble.

But seriously folks as much as I was glad to be home, we had a great time. Not as good of a time as I plan to have on my birthday trip to Disneyland with The Mr. but that's another story ;)

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Here's your sign

I actually laughed great big belly laughs with some of these. Wait a minute, does that count as exercise?Because if it does, I'm set for life!!

Free of charge, no less!

 Don't hold your breath, m'kay?

It's every man for himself!

It's called homeschooling...

Bah ha ha ha ha ha!

If any of these gave you a chuckle, head on over to Domestic Diva, that's some funny
stuff right there, I don't care who you are!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Dressed for success

Because I clearly have too much time on my hands, I was thinking of shirts I should have custom made for myself. They should include but not be limited to:

Beer and Burger Girl

Motherhood makes me drink

Would you like fries with that?

You lost me at Mommmmm...

Is your homework done?

Of course I would like to pick up your dirty socks

Math is my frenemy

Mmmmm, coffee

Shhh, I'm reading

Mommy's in time-out

Don't touch my nose. Or my feet. Or my wine. Better yet, don't touch anything.

I love the smell of Bleach in the morning!

Where's the Maid?

What? That's good music right there!

When will we be there? Any minute now...

Tattoo? Yes please :)

I typed LOL, but I'm not really LOLing. Sorry 'bout that.

I breathe, I eat, I blog.

Maybe I'll check with Threadless and ask nicely ;)

Friday, September 2, 2011

In which I engage an automated phone system

I wonder, is it normal to engage in an argument with an automated phone system?



I called a financial institution this morning, not my favorite thing to do. I was immediately greeted with a female voice that was a) too damn chipper and b) probably meant to be soothing but never fails to sound like nails on a chalkboard to me. Let's reminisce, shall we?

Bank voice (Let's call her Myrtle): Tell me, why are you calling today?

Me: Operator

Myrtle: Iiittt sounds like you want to speak with a representative, is that correct?

Me: Yes.

Myrtle: In order to direct your call, I need to know why you're calling.

Me: Gah! Alright, payments.

Myrtle: Alright (BTW, she sounds like I'm her new best friend and she's sooooo glad she's helping me), would you like to hear about your last payment?

Me: No.

Myrtle: Hmmm (shit you not, she says hmmm), tell me, why are you calling?

Me: Operator!


This is when we repeat the entire first section of the conversation not once but twice while I angrily press "0" repeatedly.

Myrtle: Iiittt sounds like you want to speak with a representative, is that correct?

Me: Yes! Dumbass phone system.

Myrtle: I'm sorry, I couldn't quite catch that. Would you like to speak to a representative?

Me: DUH!!!!! YES!!!!!

I finally got who I needed and was able to chew out the appropriate person (yay me!). But it left me wondering, what does it say about me that I willingly engaged with an automated system that couldn't care less what I say and furthermore won't be properly chagrined after I fix her wagon?

Nothing good, I bet.