Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Queen's addendum

When I assume control over the world, the following shall join my initial set of rules:

  • If a woman is enjoying a glass of wine, she is automatically "off limits" to children, spouses, debt-collectors and salesmen. No exceptions. In the event of an emergency, dial 911 and inform the operator of this rule. (Marisa is in charge here)
  • There shall be an immediate ban on ALL sales calls. Forever.
  • If you can't behave like a sensitive, courteous human being, you are not allowed into the movie theater. Furthermore, there shall be absolutely no children allowed in a movie that has a rating greater than "G". (Weltha is in charge here)
  • There shall be roving squads of "Stupid Patrol". If you are found to be behaving in a way that is deemed stupid, you will be subject to heavy fines and the possible removal of whatever appendage that was being misused at the time. 
  • Fitting room mirrors and lighting will be subject to rigid standards. Standards set forth by normal size women. 
  • All financial institutions shall be re-structured to actually do what they were meant to do...hang on to your $ until you need it, not attempt to screw you six ways from Sunday. And, they will all be run by women because we all know that women are more logical and organized than our counterparts.
  • Every time a women gives birth, she shall be offered (for no additional cost) a nip and tuck. And lipo. and a boob lift.
I think this would get us off to a good start, don't you?


  1. There will be serious hell to pay if you bother a women enjoying a glass of wine.

    Nip and tuck, yes please. :-)

  2. I am ALL OVER being your Person In Charge Of Kids In Movies That They Should Not Watch...years ago, dearest Ringmaster, I observed a parent taking a child to Pan's Labyrinth--in exquisite film by auteurGuillermo del Toro and featuring a child protagonist, but no, not for children. There are some frightening scenes but on top of that, mom kept whispering to her child trying to explain the film--which is complex. And of course, her whispering interfered with you-know-who's enjoyment...

    I am proposing public hanging for people who talk, whisper, answer their cell phones, check their cell phones, check their texts, check the internet, play games on their phones, TEXT with their phones (the last several of which shine a light like a laser into the eyes of viewers and yank them out of the film reality....) In addition, there will be a public pillorying for people who repeat dialog as if the rest of us cannot hear, or describe what is happening on the screen ("He got in the car!") as if the rest of us cannot see, or just generally make nuisances of themselves by kicking the back of the [my] theater seat, rattling their popcorn, spilling their drinks, crinkling their candy wrappers, or deciding to get up and walk over other viewers [me] several times during the film.

    Special punishment for people who bring CHILDREN to films they should not see...I am thinking they need to lose all parental rights to those children...and in some cases, I am actually serious and not typing with my tongue firmly in my cheek...

    Love you Ringmaster, and will be honored to serve as Minister of Cinema...


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