Friday, March 8, 2013

Do these x-rays make me look fat?

I was at my chiropractor's office last week and he took some spinal x-rays. At the time, I! I get to see my bones and my skull and my teeth. I could then bring an image into my mind of using those teeth to snarl and gnash things (like math books and stupid people) and could picture myself doing a skeleton lurch around town scaring the hell out of people.

Yes, I have an active imagination.

Anyway, I went back to his office this week to discuss the x-rays and, if needed, form a plan of action for treatment. So, I sit down in front of his HUGE light box with Little Bit right beside me and my mom behind me. Weird? Yes, but Little Bit loves science-y things and my mom was...just curious. So, I'm sitting there, overflowing with excitement! My skeleton! My badass bones, out there, showing off their mad clacky skills! He dims the lights, he flips the switch on the lightbox.

And there is my body. In all its naked glory.

Yes, you read that right. It wasn't just my super awesome skeleton. It was my skeleton plus some bumps and rolls and bulges. As in, my belly flab and fatback. There was even the faint outline of my silhouette. Lumps and all.


All I wanted were my clacky bones and what I got was my tubby skeleton. Who even knew skeletons could BE fat? Not me. Every skeleton I've ever seen was stick thin. A walking skeleton, if you will.

Did you see what I did there? A "walking skeleton"? No? Never mind.

So, I'm sitting there trying to listen to my chiropractor explain what he found but in reality, all I can think about is this...My skeleton has a belly roll. Then I started thinking about the airport. People at the airport are fully aware that my skeleton has a belly roll. AND, have seen the outline of "The Girls". Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that why clothes were invented? So our naughty bits wouldn't be on display for all the world to see? But oh no, airline security can see everything. Belly rolls, fatback, boobies.


Then, to cap it all off, Little Bit wants to know, "Mom, can we take some pictures of your x-rays?"
Why, you ask? She wants to bring them to school to show her class.

Uh, no. No, you can't.

Good times.

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