Sunday, February 12, 2012

And lice for all!

There is a school district in California who shall remain nameless...but I can tell you that there is an IUSD in its initials and it's in the armpit of the state and if you like tacos, you would love it there. But I'm not going to tell you its name, so don't ask.

Anyway, this district is experiencing an EPIC lice outbreak. And by epic, I mean 70+ cases in grades K-6. That's alot of creepy crawlies. After weeks of trying to get rid of the little buggers, the school is now receiving angry phone calls from parents who can't understand, "Why is my child being sent home from school over and over? There's only a few little bugs. And Eggs. But, why? I don't understand!".

Now, for those of you not intimately familiar with how lice and kids work, let me give you a little lesson.

A live lice decides to take up residence on a kid's head. Let's call him Justin (as in Beiber, who is in fact, a girl). Justin's hair looks like an awesome place to live and so the lice begins to lay eggs on the hair shafts. The eggs hatch and produce a multitude of fellow creepy crawlies that skitter around, making Justin itch and then lay more eggs.

(Are you scratching yet? Because I am.)

Justin decides to be a gentleman and share his manly comb with Kim (as in Kardashian, who is in fact, a gold digging tramp). Kim's little heart goes pitter patter and she practically swoons while she combs her tresses with Justin's comb. Oh, the ecstasy! Well, guess what? Kim has a new friend, and it's name is Lice. That's nice. So Kim's lice carry on the family name by laying more and more eggs which hatch more and more lice.

(I need a shower. With bleach.)

The lice now have control of the school, despite efforts by the staff and teachers to eliminate the spread of these little beasts. Why, you ask? Because the parents are lazy (I know I know, not all of them are lazy. But just enough of them are lazy that the efforts of the valiant are overshadowed by the non-effort of the few) and they don't want to comb through EVERY STRAND of hair on their kid's head. And who could blame them? It sucks, alot. But this is the only way to prevent world domination. You have to treat and comb, treat and comb. And repeat. Because if you don't, the eggs will keep hatching and the lice will keep laying. Remember science and biology? Hell, remember pregnancy? If you don't take measures to prevent it, reproduction will happen.

On a side note...spay and neuter your pets. And strange relatives.

(My head itches. Alot.)

Now that you are up to date on how lice work, let's rejoin our intrepid school district. Where was I...

Right, parents are calling and complaining. So, rather than holding the line and saying to these parents, "Sorry, your little Lice Factory has to be Nit Free and certainly Live Lice Free before they can return to school", the district is considering changing their policy from "No Nits" to allowing children with nits to stay at school and children with LIVE, CRAWLING lice to remain at school until the end of the school day.

Well, that sounds like a stellar idea. Because the lice will totally respect the sanctity of the classroom and refrain from infecting other kids because we all know that lice appreciate and endorse education and the learning environment.


Are you vomiting yet?

So kiddies, let this be a lesson to you. If you see LIVE CRAWLING lice during the school hours, don't even worry about it, because I'm sure your school district has thought it through.

I need to go and shave my head.


  1. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. I'm going to wake up clawing my scalp every ten minutes. So thanks for that.

    -Erin Mar

  2. Sure thing. That's what friends are for, right? Right?

  3. Good Lord! I think if the district really decides this is okay, they need to sit in the classroom where this is occurring. All for one, and one for all!


Comments? I love comments! Drinks all around!