Toilet paper, the media and keeping your butt clean

The media subjects us to all sorts of things, don't you think? We get to hear about every medication for every ailment and all their glorious side effects. We are privy to the fireworks intended to represent orgasmic climaxes, compliments of K-Y Jelly. We get to hear about incontinence and constipation. We are so eloquently educated on the perils of not wearing the "right protection" during Aunt Flo's monthly visits. Good times.

As much as I hate every single one of these commercials, there is not one of these that compares with toilet paper commercials.

Really, toilet paper? Have we devolved enough as a society that we don't know to grab some toilet paper and wipe our asses? Not only do we have to be told to do it, we have to be told to do it by a family of bears, which in my observation spends a freakish amount of time taking a dump.

You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that make taking a shit a family affair. Disturbing at best.

To add insult to injury, the logo is currently "Enjoy the Go". Seriously, it is, I checked the website. The moment you open the site, you are treated to a cute little video extolling the relief, the calm of "going". Especially after morning coffee, "talk about getting things going!".

I may vomit.

Just one more reason I drink

I had no idea that when I signed up to be a mom that I would be required to also act as warden, cop and referee. Well, the referee part I kind of expected because my sister and I were almost always at war with each other. The warden part wasn't a surprise either because in general, children tend to act like little criminals...but perhaps with not as much malice as your common criminal. But the cop part? Really? For all my enforcement, I should have a badge. And a gun. And a bullet proof vest. And a Taser gun.

What do I police, do you ask?

You name it...dirty clothes, dinner time, homework, showers, bedtime.

Bedtime in particular. How fucking hard is it to just go to bed when I ask you to? This is what generally happens in my house come bedtime.

Me: Please go shower, brush your teeth and get your jammies on.

Minion: *ominous silence*

Me: Get up and get in the shower.

Minion: I'm hungry.

Me: Move. Now.

Minion: Do I have to take a shower?

Me: Yes. Go. Now.
Minion: Do I have to go first?

Me: You do now, just for asking that. Move it.

Minion: *flounces down the hall, slams the door*

Me: Where's the wine?

40 minutes later

Me: Seriously? Get out of the shower and go to bed!

Minion: Mommmm, I am!

Me: Wine?

Minion: Why are you mad? Gah!!

Me: Shoot me.

All in all, the whole ordeal takes at least an hour. And usually ends up with me having to shadow their every move in order to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. It also ends up with one or more of them looking at me like my head is spinning around on my shoulders and asking why I'm irritated. You can't imagine? Really?

In which we Journal

I'm not sure how many of you have discovered Pinterest. For those of you that have, you know of its greatness and for those of you who haven't...well, either stay in the dark about it or be ready for an instant addiction!

On the down side, I am now guilty of spending a HUGE amount of time pinning and re-pinning. Huge, I tell you. I'm not even going to admit how much time I spend on there because it's almost embarrassing.

On the upside, I have tried several recipes and made several crafts from the site. I have plenty more to try but in the meantime, I'm going to let you peek at one of my favorites so far.

I went to the Dollar Store and bought a composition book, whipped out some pretty scrapbook paper and cut it with some pretty scissors. Then I stenciled "you & me" and attached it to the front of the book (I used photo squares).



On the inside, I needed to cover the name, address, phone number, subject stuff. I typed up a little something, cut it down to size, then glued it in. This is what it says...

You and Me

These pages are a safe place to talk with me about anything.

Anything under the sun...

Happy thoughts

Angry thoughts

Curious thoughts

Scared thoughts

Frustrated thoughts

Dreamy thoughts

Sometimes it's hard to speak our thoughts and sometimes it's hard to find the right thing to say. Here, you can write to me anytime you want to and I will always answer.

No matter what words we might say or write to each other, always remember the most important words of all...

I LOVE YOU

I now have a journal with both my girls and I have to say, the things my 13 year old has written to me are both heartbreaking and priceless.

Heartbreaking because I remember feeling the way she feels now...Middle School sucks. Priceless because sometimes I feel that I'm doing a shitty job as a mom and it gives me great encouragement to hear that she thinks I'm pretty fine.

Composition book $1.00

Time spent creating journal 20 minutes

The opportunity to have open dialogue with my girls...Priceless.



And so it goes

So, I was thinking the other day...

Wouldn't it be funny if...

I was driving to school and I saw...

..
.......


Fuckity fuck. I've got nothin'.

Decisions, decisions

I'm having a hard time right now. There are some hard decisions that I have to make and to be quite honest...I don't want to make them. Seriously, I NEVER want people to tell me what to do, but I would welcome some bossy moo-cow into my life right now for the sole purpose of telling me what to do because I can't see things clearly enough to decide for myself.

*sigh*

Hooking 101

So, I ended up on the wrong side of town today. Wait, that didn't sound right.  I was driving to the cheap but geographically challenged Walmart today. Um, let me try again...I was in my car at a stop light, in a seedy part of town today. *sigh* Any way I put it, it sounds bad.

Moving on.

While in my car waiting at a stop light, I happened to glance out the window and saw a woman standing at the corner of a business plaza. Now, I use the word "plaza" in a very broad term as "plaza" might imply some sense of elegance or class. At the very least, graffiti free walls and a garbage free parking lot. But stay with me.

So, I really don't pay this woman any attention because people are not at all an unusual occurrence. At least, not where I'm from. I sat patiently, waiting for the light to turn and didn't give her another thought until I heard, "Well, that's not working. Who wants to buy some ass?". Now, remember, I'm in my car with the window barely cracked, a full 2 lanes and a sidewalk away from her and I can hear her as if she is in my backseat. Thankfully, she was not in my backseat as I would have immediately needed to take the car to a detailer and have them clean the seats. I possibly would have even had to sell the car.

Phew, dodged that bullet.

So, she's yelling, "Who wants to buy some ass?". Now, I can only imagine what her tactic had been up until this moment, the one that caused her such distress that she had to abandon it and get out the Big Guns. Let this be a lesson to you, if at first you don't succeed, shout to the Heavens that your ass is for sale.

She sure got my attention! But as I am in fact, a girl, married, fearful of STD's and generally against one selling their body for money, I had to resist her ever so tempting offer. Instead, I chuckled and shook my head as one can only do in times of extreme disbelief. Apparently, she saw this and took offense because the next words I heard were, "That's what you have to do when you have a family!"

Soo, if you have a family, you have to what? Sell yourself in front of the local pizza joint? Damn, I've been taking the wrong approach all these years! Here I thought that working was the way to go. How could I have been so misled?

I very calmly drove though the intersection and didn't say what I wanted to say, which was, "Get a fucking job!" or "Lay off the crack!"

Good times. And my husband wonders why I want to move.    

Hey Snooks...

You know what I don't get? The public's fascination with Snooki. It seems like every time I turn around, she's being talked about. People discuss what she's wearing, who she's sleeping with...uh, the book(s) she wrote??? WTF? Apparently, she's not as dumb as I think she is (actually, I'm really quite sure she's not all that smart), she just plays one on TV. Seriously, she told Matt Lauer, "I think [on the show] you see more of like, the party side of me, which I call Snooki. It's kind of my alter ego," she explained. "That's what you see on the show, but right now you are talking to Nicole. It's like the soft, calm, business-ready person.". Really? You're so smart and business minded that you...what, need an alter ego so people aren't intimidated by you? So that they will appreciate your funny, party side and not just see you for a "business girl"? Huh. Sure, that makes sense. Throw them off the business scent with your ridiculous hair, pouty kissy face and exposed boobs. That will make the think twice before they take you serious again!

Let's review...

This is what we are talking about...

Not, oh I don't know...curing cancer, stopping domestic violence, saving our fragile earth. Nope, we're talking about Snooki.

This.

Oh, the humanity.