Sunday, November 27, 2011

Just one more reason I drink

I had no idea that when I signed up to be a mom that I would be required to also act as warden, cop and referee. Well, the referee part I kind of expected because my sister and I were almost always at war with each other. The warden part wasn't a surprise either because in general, children tend to act like little criminals...but perhaps with not as much malice as your common criminal. But the cop part? Really? For all my enforcement, I should have a badge. And a gun. And a bullet proof vest. And a Taser gun.

What do I police, do you ask?

You name it...dirty clothes, dinner time, homework, showers, bedtime.

Bedtime in particular. How fucking hard is it to just go to bed when I ask you to? This is what generally happens in my house come bedtime.

Me: Please go shower, brush your teeth and get your jammies on.

Minion: *ominous silence*

Me: Get up and get in the shower.

Minion: I'm hungry.

Me: Move. Now.

Minion: Do I have to take a shower?

Me: Yes. Go. Now.
Minion: Do I have to go first?

Me: You do now, just for asking that. Move it.

Minion: *flounces down the hall, slams the door*

Me: Where's the wine?

40 minutes later

Me: Seriously? Get out of the shower and go to bed!

Minion: Mommmm, I am!

Me: Wine?

Minion: Why are you mad? Gah!!

Me: Shoot me.

All in all, the whole ordeal takes at least an hour. And usually ends up with me having to shadow their every move in order to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. It also ends up with one or more of them looking at me like my head is spinning around on my shoulders and asking why I'm irritated. You can't imagine? Really?


  1. I see the same future for me. Right now it's about putting shoes away.

    Me: Pick up your shoes and put them in your bin, in your room.

    Lauren: Picks up a shoe, takes it into her room and drops it on the floor.

    Me: Pick up your shoe in the living room and the other shoe you just dropped on the floor and put it in your bin, in your room.

    Lauren: No, mama help me, I can't!

    Me: Do you want a time out?

    Lauren: Puts shoes where I asked to begin with.

  2. This sounds strangely familiar...I should have learned from my nephew when he was very small.

    Me: Please pick up your toys and put them away.

    Nephew: I can't.

    Me: Why can't you?

    Nephew: My bones and muscles are tired and they can't do it.

    Me: I'm never having kids...


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