Spam, it's what's for dinner!

Dear Credit Card Companies, Cable Companies, Religious Organizations, Life Insurance offices and other assorted tree killing, paper wasting, mailbox spamming people:

First and foremost, I am not "Our Friend at...". Seriously, I have enough friends and the ones I do have know my name. Secondly, if I want your credit card, cable service, insurance or ticket to Heaven, I'll let you know. Third, I don't appreciate the false hope you give me every time I open my mailbox. Let me 'splain...When I open the box I see envelopes, lots and lots of envelopes. Naturally, I think to myself, "They like you, they really like you! You have friends! People want to talk to you!" And then...nothing. Turns out, the only people that want to talk to me are: A) people I owe money to or B) people that want me to owe money to them. Finally, if you would put as much money into, oh, I don't know community services, education and health care that you put into printing and postage cost the world might be a better place. So, in the future, keep your "Last chance!", "Final offer!", "Act now!" shit to yourself, m'kay? Because frankly, it's only going to end up here...

Very truly yours,

Your Enemy at...