A letter to my daughters

Things I want my daughters to know:

Plan for the future but enjoy each day and live it for all its worth.

High school is nothing like the real world. Sure, there are always going to be "popular" people, but in reality, you all get thrown to the sharks. The trick is not to know how to BE a shark or to avoid being eaten by a shark but to know how to swim with them

Be yourself. Who cares about what everyone else is doing. Be who makes you happy.

Take your education seriously. I don't mean for you not to have any fun, but how you do in high school counts. If you intend to go on to higher education, be prepared. Make them WANT you.

Don't let the boys get you down. If a boy can't appreciate who you are and value you as a human being, show him the door.

Stand tall and proud. Look people in the eye. Make them remember you.

Explore everything. Try acting and dancing and sports and school clubs. Listen to opera and swing music. Read biographies and historical fiction and classics. This is how you find your niche.

Keep a journal. You don't ever have to read it but it's therapeutic to write stuff down. Your hopes and dreams and fears and frustrations. Write it down and walk away. It's the journal's problem now.

Keep your friends close. While it's important to have a wide circle of people you are friendly with, it's even more important to have a tiny circle of people you are friends with. These are your "people". Keep them close.

If you don't know "who you are", don't worry. Your purpose will reveal itself with time. And when it does, you are going to change the world.

Don't be afraid to look foolish or to make mistakes...this is how we learn.

Drama bullshit is just that. Bullshit. That's all I have to say about that.

Rock your own style. Set your own trends. You are not a sheep.

Put your family first. Your family will be the ones cheering you on, wiping your tears, tending your wounds. Your family is in your corner, watching your back. We can't fight your battles for you, but you can be damn sure we can be your war council.

Smile. Smile often and without abandon. Not only is it good for you, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Learn how to say no. Being the "Go To Girl" isn't a bad thing but people can and will suck you dry. Learn your limits and stick to them.

Look for the beauty in people, chances are you'll find it. If you can't find beauty, walk away. Don't let someone else's ugliness drag you down.

Be self reliant. Know how to take care of your car and use power tools. Be financially savvy and business smart.

Be responsible for your actions. Don't pass the buck.

Make people want to model your work ethic. Work quickly, efficiently and with the highest quality possible.

Respect yourself and others.

Never, ever give up.

And most important...Always remember that you are loved.

I bend, but I don't break

Do you remember the part in "The Matrix", where Neo fights Mr. Smith for the first time? Mr. Smith is beating the living hell out of him and Neo gets smacked around and knocked down over and over. Then, the turning point...Neo gets up, shakes the dust off and motions for Mr. Smith to bring it on. Because I like you, I have provided the video. Feel free to forward it to about 1:50 and watch the part I mentioned. I'll wait.

 

 

Super terrific, right? Well, that's me. Neo's me. Life has beaten the hell out of me lately and for awhile I just let it. But then, I remembered that not only am I not the type of person that is easily beaten down, I'm not the type of person that stays down after a beating. I always get up. Always.

So, I got up. I shook off the dust and said, "Bring it the fuck on."

I did, however make some changes. It's funny how a beating makes you reevaluate your life and remember what's important and what's just junk. Technically, I'm back on Facebook but I have zero interest in it. Perhaps that will change with time, perhaps not. So, if I don't respond to a comment, it's not because I'm being bitchy, I probably didn't see it.

Also, I made the decision to be done with school. I applied for graduation and will be taking part in commencement ceremonies in May. I took a long, hard look at what I was doing and realized that I was trying to be something I'm not and have no desire to be. I thought I was supposed to "be someone". Nearly everyone I know is "something"...a teacher, a nurse, an administrator, an attorney. I thought I was supposed to do that too. I was supposed to finish school so I could be "something". It took a 2x4 to the face for me to realize that I already am the thing I want most in the world to be.

I'm a mom.

I'm a Full-Time Mom and I am not ashamed of that. I'm a mom who is privileged to be home when the kids are home. To volunteer in their classrooms or go on field trips. I know their friends because I'm either at their school every day or their friends are at my house. I'm a mom who doubles as a taxi service for the two of them and however many additional kids I can fit in the car. And you know what? I like it. I like that their friends call me Mom and talk to me about stuff. So, instead of torturing myself through 2 more math classes and then transferring to a UC to complete my Bachelor's, I'm going to finish earning my AA and then I'm going to be completely satisfied with it.

I'm going to continue being a mom and enjoy it without the pressure of being in school all the fucking time. I'm going to help run our business so that my husband can stop working 10-12 hours a day, 6 days a week. I'm going to take care of my house so that it's a calm, safe, happy place for whoever walks through my door, I'm going to write. As in, write a book.

It's funny, all these years I thought I needed to be more and it turns out, I just needed to be me. And when I finally gave myself permission to do that, the world lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again.

There are still some scary, ugly things I have to get in order and things are in motion to do so. It might not all turn out beautifully, but that's okay. In the Dark Days that may be ahead, I will remind myself that I can do this. I can Stand Fast. I will not break and if I fall, I will get up. I am Neo.

And lice for all!

There is a school district in California who shall remain nameless...but I can tell you that there is an IUSD in its initials and it's in the armpit of the state and if you like tacos, you would love it there. But I'm not going to tell you its name, so don't ask.

Anyway, this district is experiencing an EPIC lice outbreak. And by epic, I mean 70+ cases in grades K-6. That's alot of creepy crawlies. After weeks of trying to get rid of the little buggers, the school is now receiving angry phone calls from parents who can't understand, "Why is my child being sent home from school over and over? There's only a few little bugs. And Eggs. But, why? I don't understand!".

Now, for those of you not intimately familiar with how lice and kids work, let me give you a little lesson.

A live lice decides to take up residence on a kid's head. Let's call him Justin (as in Beiber, who is in fact, a girl). Justin's hair looks like an awesome place to live and so the lice begins to lay eggs on the hair shafts. The eggs hatch and produce a multitude of fellow creepy crawlies that skitter around, making Justin itch and then lay more eggs.

(Are you scratching yet? Because I am.)

Justin decides to be a gentleman and share his manly comb with Kim (as in Kardashian, who is in fact, a gold digging tramp). Kim's little heart goes pitter patter and she practically swoons while she combs her tresses with Justin's comb. Oh, the ecstasy! Well, guess what? Kim has a new friend, and it's name is Lice. That's nice. So Kim's lice carry on the family name by laying more and more eggs which hatch more and more lice.

(I need a shower. With bleach.)

The lice now have control of the school, despite efforts by the staff and teachers to eliminate the spread of these little beasts. Why, you ask? Because the parents are lazy (I know I know, not all of them are lazy. But just enough of them are lazy that the efforts of the valiant are overshadowed by the non-effort of the few) and they don't want to comb through EVERY STRAND of hair on their kid's head. And who could blame them? It sucks, alot. But this is the only way to prevent world domination. You have to treat and comb, treat and comb. And repeat. Because if you don't, the eggs will keep hatching and the lice will keep laying. Remember science and biology? Hell, remember pregnancy? If you don't take measures to prevent it, reproduction will happen.

On a side note...spay and neuter your pets. And strange relatives.

(My head itches. Alot.)

Now that you are up to date on how lice work, let's rejoin our intrepid school district. Where was I...

Right, parents are calling and complaining. So, rather than holding the line and saying to these parents, "Sorry, your little Lice Factory has to be Nit Free and certainly Live Lice Free before they can return to school", the district is considering changing their policy from "No Nits" to allowing children with nits to stay at school and children with LIVE, CRAWLING lice to remain at school until the end of the school day.

Well, that sounds like a stellar idea. Because the lice will totally respect the sanctity of the classroom and refrain from infecting other kids because we all know that lice appreciate and endorse education and the learning environment.

Right?

Are you vomiting yet?

So kiddies, let this be a lesson to you. If you see LIVE CRAWLING lice during the school hours, don't even worry about it, because I'm sure your school district has thought it through.

I need to go and shave my head.

The "new me"

As you might remember, I recently left my job at my beloved Jr. High school. This has actually been such a blessing in disguise, I can't even begin to tell you. Anyway, I still do some sub work for them and was there just yesterday and something fantastic happened. Did you note my sarcasm there? No? Let me try again...While subbing yesterday, something "fantastic" happened! Better? Bueno.

Like I was saying...

I got to meet the new me. Alright, technically, she's not the new me because technically, my old job was eliminated and technically you can't let someone go and then turn around and hire someone else to do their job. This is not to say that this person doesn't do exactly what I did (but not as good, but that's just my bad attitude talking), working out of my office, seeing my kids for the same reasons that I saw them. But, these are just little, inconsequential details, right? Right?? Sure.

Don't distract me.

So I met "the new me but not really me" and I really intended to like her because she is working with great people, great kids and ultimately the situation that I found myself in was not in any way her fault. I was doing really well with her obnoxious accent, ridiculous "dress code" and lack of courtesy. Really, I was. Don't laugh.

Then, after I told her who I was and that I used to do what she was now doing (but not really *wink wink*), she said, "Oh, so they found something for you to do here then?". This was accompanied by the ever so sympathetic head tilt and concerned pinch of the eyebrows.  May I also point out that with these displays of "aww, that's too bad" there was a definite inflection of "Well aren't you the dumbest thing I've ever laid eyes on and it's no wonder you couldn't keep your job you uneducated piece of shit".

I didn't say, "I hope the kids eat you alive" or "Bitch please, you couldn't do HALF my job" or even "Your accent makes me want to shove hot pokers in my ears".

No, no, I smiled sweetly and walked away. And then I came home and blogged. Karma's a bitch folks and she's gonna spank this chick. And not in a good way.

The List

Apparently, I'm at a point in my life where I'm examining events and choices I have made in the past...This brings me to a new list.

Let's call this one, "Things I would do differently" or :Stupid decisions that I can't take back". Either way.

1. I would have worn sunblock and stayed out of the sun. Seriously folks...Cancer sucks (I don't have it, but I still know it sucks.)
2. I would have actually paid attention and put an effort into school. Instead I did awesome things like, setting the classroom on fire, throwing things, writing notes, daydreaming, ditching...you name it.
3. I would have learned how to sew and cook. I taught myself to cook and that has come in pretty handy. Sewing...I don't have as close of a relationship with this one, but I would love to rectify that.
4. I wouldn't have gotten involved in drugs and alcohol. There are whole years I don't remember, thanks to my escapades.
5. I wouldn't have gotten married at 19. I would still have married The Mr., but later :)
6. I would have finished college the first time around because I gotta tell you...going back to school at 30 is no bueno. No bueno at all.
7. I would have dated more. Now, before you jump on me, let me 'splain. I would not have had more boyfriends, I would have dated more. You know, dinner, movie...Seriously, I think it's important to date, otherwise how are you going to know what you like or don't like??
8. I would have moved away from my family. Not because I don't love them, but because I think we gain a certain amount of maturity and wisdom when we live away from our safety net.

I'm sure there is more that I could add to this list. But I wont.

Coffee, school and aliens

I think there's something wrong with my kids.

This morning, they were all ready for school but we still had about 10 minutes before we needed to leave. I decided to use this time wisely and by wisely I mean sitting down with my book and a cup of coffee. Right before I sat down, Zippy went to the front door and said, "Can we leave now?". No, mom needs coffee and her book.

I sat down, opened my book, breathed in the delicious, life-changing elixir of fresh coffee...

"Can we leave NOW?"

Really? I can't sit for 5 minutes and drink my coffee? Come on! It's bad enough they were hassling me but they were hassling me in order to go to school. Early! Who does this??

I never wanted to go to school. I dreamed up all kinds of reasons why I shouldn't have to go to school. But oh no, not my children. My children not only want to go, they want to go early. These same children wanted to leave Disneyland so they could go back to school. Kid. You. Not.

Disneyland.

So, the logical conclusion I have arrived at is

a) There's something wrong with them

or

b) They are, in fact, aliens.

I'm going with "b"

Geek alert

You might remember my fully awesome math class as described here. My good friend Marisa asked if I had found "The Geek" yet and at that point, I hadn't. You will be happy to know that "The Geek" has finally made her appearance. She has been there from the first day of class but apparently was hiding her little Geek Light under a bushel. She started in before class even began with tales of her escapades in math lab where she cornered some poor, unsuspecting tutor and then "worked ahead 2 whole chapters!!". Little did we know, she was just getting warmed up...

She was fairly bursting with her need to fly her Geek colors and shortly after class started, couldn't contain it any longer. Her hand shot up in the air and she started firing off questions left and right, "Will we need to do the Austrian Method? When will the first test be? Is it alright if I worked ahead? I hope so, because I worked ahead 2 chapters!".

You should be so proud Intrepid Reader, I put my hand over my mouth and didn't say a word. Not a word.

It's a jungle in here

As you may remember, I'm doggedly trying to finish my college degree. I'm happy to inform you that I am 3 classes away from graduating (Yay!) however, the 3 classes I have left are math, math and math (not yay!). Math has been the enemy my entire life. No bueno. Anyway, my semester started last night and I thought you might be interested to hear about some of my classmates. *grins wickedly*

First we have "The Talker". His natural habitat is the very front row and his innate behavior is to talk to the prof like they are old friends and to also weigh in on anything anyone else has said with his superior knowledge. Awesome.

Next, we have "The Latecomers". The Latecomer needs to make an entrance. What is this "on time" you speak of? We don't need no stinking schedule! They were excused ever so politely from the class ;)

As there will always be in a college class, "The Jock". He rolls in 45 minutes late to class because there was no one to remind him to be there. Lucky for him, he had his coach's business card and handed it over to the instructor with an attitude of entitlement with a splash of little boy holding an excuse from mommy note. Naturally, he was allowed to stay. Midway through the class, he also claimed the role of "The Sleeper".

We are also blessed with "The Joker". The Joker always has some smart-ass thing to say and then looks around to make sure everyone else appreciates his superior wit. This particular species is also prone to say "Fuck" under his breath. Repeatedly. Classic.

These are the main characters but there is a fine mix of minor players. The chick wearing an apron. Look, I get that you just got off work as a "Barista", but really...take the apron off, it's not doing you any favors.There is also the "Hip Mom". Now, make no mistake, this is not the mom who manages to look classy yet fashionable. This is the one that has her hair in pigtails and wears a Minion shirt.

Heaven help me...

I almost forgot...there's the guy with so much swagger, it's a wonder he hasn't had to have a hip replacement to fix all that excessive rotation.

As a whole, I think the class will be good for me. The instructor seems interested in teaching and is convinced that we are all math-minded, whether we realize it or not...because, "Even chickens can count to 13, and they're dumb!"  

Shhhhhh

You know you need a vacation when a Jr Higher comes to the office for some stupid complaint (again) and the thing you want to say most in the world is, "Listen here, you little Fucker..."

Behold, the dark side (of the wind)

*Taps the microphone*

Hello? Hello? Anyone there?

Sorry, I have completely ignored you and there really is no excuse for me so I won't even try. I will however give you a tiny little treasure to cherish today.

Me: "Hello, I'm calling because your child is absent from school today"

Parent: "Yes, my child has chapped lips so I kept him home today."

Me: "Wow. Really?"

Parent: "Yes, he has to put on chap stick all day long, so he couldn't come to school today."

Me: "..............Alright then."


The above is a true and accurate story, because really...you can't make this shit up.

In which Zippy begs for mercy

I am not a fan of school, I never have been. This is funny (not in a Ha Ha sort of way...more like if I don't laugh I will cry sort of way) because I am currently a college student and let's just say I am no spring chicken.

ANYWAY.

I don't like it...but my kids do. Huh.

My oldest has been sick for about a week with a nasty bronchial thing that makes her cough. Alot. This is no bueno. Especially since she has Reactive Airway Disease and colds tend to settle in her chest and stay there. So, she's been sick and I made her stay home from school yesterday. Now, any ordinary kid would be like, "Whooo Hooooo!", right? Yeah, not my kid. She was not happy with me because she had to stay home. I got the eye roll, the "Moooommmmm!", the "stare", the stomp down the hall. The whole bit. Because she couldn't go to school.

It gets even better.

Today, I took her to the Doc, just to make sure it wasn't something more serious (and it's not ☺) but our Peds Doc wanted her to stay home a few more days. Holy cow Batman, you would have thought he asked her to give her right arm! "Please, please let me go back to school, I feel fine!" So, he dutifully changed the date to tomorrow. She may have well won the lottery, she was so happy.

So, intrepid readers, I ask you...no, I can't even ask. I'm just going to go with it.     

Asphinter says what?

As I previously mentioned, I work for a Junior High school and I absolutely love it. Truly, I do. I love the little buggers (most days), I love the girls I work with and I love most of the teachers that I provide support services for.

Every day is something new and it's a rare thing when we are not smacked in the face with blatant ignorance. Most of the time, it's the parents providing me with endless entertainment. Sometimes, it's my teachers. However, I have a new source of amusement...the yard duty.

Now, before you get all up in arms, let me just say this. I wouldn't work yard duty for anything. They put up with a tremendous amount of disrespect each and every day and for that I will always be in slight awe of them. That sentiment notwithstanding...I have to wonder where in the hell do they get these people?? I'm pretty sure that some of the requirements for this job include all of the following:

1. Must lack any social skills whatsoever
2. Must lack stellar personal hygiene skills
3. Must be unspeakably weird and slightly creepy
4. Must not be able to spell correctly

To properly school you (pun totally intended) on what amuses me daily, behold the following office pass that a student was given today. Seriously people, you can't make this shit up.

Stupid should hurt

I wonder, how wrong is it to take enjoyment from the stupidity of others?

For example...

I work at a Junior High School (which, I LOVE! Who would have known?) Anyway, every day is something new, something different, something not..quite..right. I find myself taking unnatural pleasure in the excuses, explanations and often just plain stupidity that Jr. High brings.

I wish I was talking about just the kids.

The other day, I had 2 6th grade boys come to see me. Wait, let's chat a moment about 6th grade boys, shall we? I swear, at the beginning of every school year, we get the biggest bunch of babies arriving on campus. I never realized that 6th grade boys were such patsys! I fully expected the girls to be the ones prone to constant complaining. "I'm on my period", "He broke up with me", "I'm having a bad hair day". No, no. It's the boys.

Readers, I implore you...if you are raising or plan to raise boys, please, PLEASE instill some kind of backbone in them.

Back to my boys. 2 of them came to see me because, "We are having a hard time breathing." (did you notice I said 2? Normally girls are the ones that travel in pairs, right? Yeah, not these kids. The boys travel in pairs. Why? I don't know.)

Being the fairly nice person I am, I ask them why they think they are having a hard time breathing.

Are you ready?

"Because we were in band and our teacher was making us use our instruments." (this was said with straight faces, if you can beleive that)

You would be so proud of me. I didn't laugh or giggle at them in any way. I very calmly told them that they were barking up the wrong tree as I had in fact played the oboe in school for several years. Since the oboe is one of the most difficult woodwind instruments to play, I could personally attest to the fact that they would live to play another day. As soon as the door shut behind them, I laughed and laughed. Even now I'm giggling. Silly boys.

You got to get up pretty early in the morning...  

The world's gone mad

I'm having a bad hair day. This really shouldn't surprise me after the way life has been the past few days. Between the broken dryer, the migraine (which, fearless readers, is STILL hanging on) and my own personal "kids gone wild" segment, I shouldn't even bother getting out of bed in the morning.

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. (Did you get that? Princess Bride? Eh? Eh?)

I'm not even going to talk about the migraine...let's leave it at, "Holy cow Batman, go away already!"

The dryer. Ah, the dryer. Clothes are still being set out to dry in various parts of the house. My hope is that the fuse that I ordered will be in soon so that I can return to my lazy life of wash, dry, repeat.

The girls. Oh my, the girls. I'll be brief so as not to cause you unnecessary grief. My Little Bit went right off the deep end yesterday. I'm still not sure what happened. One minute I was asking her to go to the table to do her homework as opposed to doing it on my bed. The next minute she was in her room screaming at me, "Why can't you just go away?" According to her rant, she can't "take" it here, nobody listens to her and that she was afraid of me. Hmm. Now, I tried to take this all in stride but I have to admit that hearing the statements she was making was very upsetting. It sucked. Ultimately, she settled down and admitted that there wasn't alot of truth in what she said, but it still sucked.

Then, this morning, I was fed a line that I haven't heard for awhile (thankfully). Some time ago, Zippy came home from school and said that her p.e. clothes and shoes had been stolen. After questioning her further, I discovered several problems with this story:

1. Her p.e. stuff was in a locker
2. The locker was locked
3. It was not her locker
4. She thinks I'm an idiot

Seriously? This is the scenario she gave me. Her stuff was in her friend's locker (Why? Who knows. She's 12). The locker was absolutely locked and no one but the two of them had the combination. The stuff was there on Friday, gone on Monday. Someone obviously was able to access the locker by magic and taken her things.That's right folks, my 4.0 GATE student. Isn't she fabulous.

Here's my problem with her story. It's full of shit.

Anyway, I made her buy her own p.e. clothes again and since she didn't have any money left for tennis shoes, she has been wearing the same converse-like shoes to school (every day. yes, this is annoying) and also for p.e. They now have a hole in them. This morning when I dropped them off at school, I happened to park in a spot that had a puddle in it. Naturally, she has a comment about it. My reply? "If you wear your boots, it wouldn't be a problem." "But I can't wear them for p.e." "So, bring your other shoes for p.e." "But, I don't have a p.e. bag" (this was "stolen" too. don't even get me started) "And who's fault is that?" "MOM! My stuff was STOLEN!!!" *slams the door and stomps away, giving me a nasty look over her shoulder*

Well, that was fun.

In which I get taken advantage of, and not in a good way

I was robbed today. Now, don't worry...it's not what you think.

As I previously mentioned, I am a part-time student finishing a degree I should have taken care of years and years ago (let this be a lesson to you kiddies, the trick is not just to go to college, it's to FINISH college). Anyway, my next class starts next week and I need a textbook. I learned my lesson early on not to buy textbooks from the college bookstore. They are extremely overpriced and as far as I'm concerned, the bookstore practices highway robbery. Let me 'splain...

You can search for your books online through the college website. When you find your book, you can choose to buy it new or used. Keep in mind, the used price isn't that much better than the new price, but hey every dollar counts! Naturally, I chose the used price and clicked the magic button, "add to cart". Have I mentioned how much I love online shopping? Think about it, you can shop in your jammies and no one looks at you funny. However, if you live in my town you can shop in your jammies and people don't look at you funny...but that's beside the point. Back to reasons why I like shopping online. No crowds or lines or obnoxious people. You don't have to worry about the previous user of your shopping cart or using a public bathroom. You don't have to drive anywhere or worry about store hours. But...I digress.

Where was I...right, "add to cart". So I add the used book to my cart and choose the option to pay at the bookstore because I prefer to pay in cash. Sounds pretty good, right? Just wait. I arrive at the bookstore to pay for and pick up my used book, only to be told that they didn't have any used books and I had to buy a new one. What??? The funny thing is, she said it with a completely straight face, like this was the most reasonable thing in the world. I replied, "But I ordered a used book, the website offered me one."

"Right, well we don't have one."

You're fucking kidding me.

Since I was totally screwed already I went ahead and paid for the new book, told her and anyone else with ear-shot how I felt about her and the damn bookstore and left. When I got home, I immedately went online and looked in the bookstore for the textbook I had just bought. What do you think I saw? "Buy this book USED and save!" Huh. Fancy that.

Which brings me to today. After that illuminating experience, I have not bought from the college bookstore, preferring to save lots and lots of money buying them from other websites. But for this coming class, the college has gotten just a little smarter. This text is actually published by the college, thereby forcing you to buy it from them and prohibiting you from re-selling it anywhere else. Quite a racket, right?

So, I was taken advantage of today by a little old lady who didn't look like she would harm a cockroach. She smiled sweetly at me while I wrote a check for an obscene amount of money. All the while I grumbled under my breath because I knew they had me right where they wanted me. BOHICA