Introspect with a dash of doubt

"Are you doubting yourself again?"

This is what my boss said to me yesterday as I pow-wowed with my favorite co-worker of all time. I was working on a project. A large, complex and highly obnoxious project. Now, remember, I love my job. I do! I love waking up every morning because I get to work/play with people that I admire, respect and best of, like. My work family, they're the best.

But, "Are you doubting yourself again?"

It really got me thinking. At that moment, I wasn't doubting myself, I was just working through some details. So, yay me! But he was right, I doubt myself.

I doubt myself.

And inevitably, that doubt grows teeth and claws and morphs into a ravaging  beast. Or, as it's better known, worry.

I worry that I'm a bad wife. I worry that I am too critical of my husband. Or that I'm not affectionate enough. Or that I exclude him or ignore him. I worry that I'm selfish and petty. I worry that I'm not beautiful enough.

I worry that I'm an awful friend. I'm pretty sure that I have a tendency to be a hermit. I worry that I don't contribute to my friendships. I worry that I'm a one-way street. I worry that I either say too much or too little. I worry that I don't reach out or that I don't see others reaching out to me.

I worry about being a lame-ass employee. I worry that I'm too sarcastic and mouthy. I worry that I don't do enough. Or that I do too much. I worry that I have a tendency to react, not act.

But most of all, I worry that I'm a terrible mom. Am I too strict or not strict enough? I worry that I'm mean-spirited and am teaching my girls to be mean-spirited. I worry that I'm completely inappropriate and rude. I worry that I put too much pressure on them or expect too much. I worry that my standards are too high. I worry that I model a horrible human being and am influencing them to be the same. I worry that I say too much or not enough. I'm sure I yell too much. I worry that I can't find the balance between smothering them and giving them their space.I think I need them too much and that I don't want them to have their secrets. I worry that I'm too nosy. I worry that I just suck.

I think, as women, we are naturally inclined to worry. We worry and we "mother" and we tend to those around us. Even if they don't want us to. Even if we aren't good at it. Is it because we are biologically and chemically wired to do so? Is it because that's the role that society tells us we have to play? Is it because our brains never shut up? NEVER. SHUT. UP. In trying to shut our brains up, do we fill our lives completely and stay busy, busy, busy?

I swore I would never be my mother. She's a great woman, don't get me wrong. But she is non-confrontational and I think that leads her to be taken advantage of. Before you get a mental picture, let me set the stage. My mom taught Kindergarten for 25 years. She was an amazing teacher. People placed their kids on lists to get into her class. Her students loved her and she loved her students. By the time she retired, she was teaching second and third generations of some of her original students. She is well known and well-loved by her peers, her students and her community. If I knew what was good for me, I would aspire to be like her. But I don't and I'll tell you why. She's under appreciated by the man who should cherish her as the most precious thing he could possibly get his hands on. But most horribly, she was under appreciated and not respected by someone who should have known better. Me. It's true, I didn't respect her. I thought she was ignorant and oblivious. I didn't ask for or graciously receive advice or direction from her. I separated myself from my family and shut them out of my life. I was a bitch. A rotten, selfish, nasty bitch.

So, I decided that wouldn't happen in my house. I was involved early on with the girls. I knew their friends. I spent time with them. A lot of time. As much as I could. I still do! I asked tough questions. Seriously, it isn't unheard of for me to ask things like, "So, are you having sex?" "Are you you doing drugs?" "Have you tried alcohol". Out of the blue and totally unexpected. I'm not afraid to ask the questions and have uncomfortable conversations. It's far more likely for the girls to be embarrassed by hard questions than me.

But in the midst of these teen years, I find myself constantly second guessing decisions and things I say. I worry that I'm saying too much of the wrong thing and not enough of the right thing.

I doubt myself.

What's the solution? Is there one? Am I alone? How do I be a better wife, mom, friend? A better person?

Anyone?

In which I ease my mom's worries

We are leaving for a Disney Cruise in 2 days! I'm super excited about it...so excited, in fact, that I decided to make a schedule for my mom because as moms are wont to do, she likes knowing where we are and what we're doing. I think this should ease her mind and allow her to know that we are safe and having fun!


The Sique’s Epic Adventure at Sea or…In Which We Run Away to be Pirates

Day 1 - October 28, 2012

     All Aboard by 4:00 pm (Tito mentioned something about a strip poker game. But I’m sure he was  kidding.)

Day 2 - October 29, 2012 (at sea)

    Today is “Swim With the Dolphins” day. I hope we can keep up with the ship because according to the Pirates Code, “Whoever falls behind, stays behind.”

Day 3 - October 30, 2012 (at sea)

     Today is “Job Switching” on the Disney Wonder. It’s a special time in which the guests and the crew switch places for the day. It should be a real learning experience! I hope they make me Captain.

Day 4 - October 31, 2012 (Puerto Vallarta)

     Today we have planned a great day at a spa. It’s called “Cosechamos los órganos de forma gratuita!”. I think it means, We play organs while you harvest your free spirit! Sounds pretty amazing, right?

Day 5 - November 1, 2012 (Cabo San Lucas)

     Today we plan to drop the girls off at a local school so they can learn something new and appreciate what they have at home. Then, Tito and I plan to see some local color. This may include the nearest cosmetic surgeon, a brothel and possibly the dentist. Super excited!

Day 6 - November 2, 2012 (Cabo San Lucas)

     This is our “Anything Goes” day. Discuss.

Day 7 - November 3, 2012 (at sea)

     This day is solely reserved for drinking, dancing and carrying on. And some water skiing. But that’s not definite because the waters may or may not be shark infested.

 Day 8 - November 4, 2012

     All ashore by 9:30 am. I’m sure we will have made some new friends. Looking forward to sharing our trip with you but I hope you won’t need a kidney anytime soon because Tito is a little unsure about the spa. I bet it’s fine though.

　

　

　

　

Mom

We took my parents to a theme park awhile ago and I have to tell you...I remembered why I don't travel often with them. My dad rode shotgun while The Mr. drove and my mom sat in the back with the girls and I. Our trip took us through my mom's old stomping ground and I kid you not, she was like the father-in-law from Forget Paris. Do you remember him? No? Let me illuminate...

Everything we drove by, "I remember that!", "This wasn't there before, wow!" "See kids, I drove through there, right there!"

Oh my...

Love her dearly folks, but I learned my lesson.

Roy G Biv

I was thinking the other day about women who have a "Signature Color". How does that sort of thing come about? Do you wake up one day and decide that fuchsia will be your color? Does someone tell you one day that purple looks great on you and then that's all you wear? Are you pre-disposed at birth?

I could completely see myself, in all my rebellious glory, deciding one day that I was only going to wear the color green. Then I would refuse to try on, buy, borrow or steal clothing of any other color. That would have frustrated my mother to no end. Dammit, a great idea too late in the game. That's okay, never fear...I have decided that my Signature Color will be black. And gray. And white. And sometimes purple. And on the weekends, I want it to be green.

That wasn't so hard after all.

Did you know that? Now you know

My parents are great. Really, they are, but I have to admit that with their greatness comes some...issues. I didn't know it at the time, but my sister and I were raised really different than other kids we knew. It wasn't until I was an adult that I figured out that things were a little weird in my house. It is a constant source of discovery (for me) and entertainment (for my husband, brother-in-law and best friend) to come across new and interesting things I didn't know before.

So interesting, in fact, I decided to make a list! (If you haven't realized by now, I REALLY like lists.)

Things I didn't know:

• There should be meat in things like tacos, lasagna, spaghetti. Growing up, we had "mock" lasagna made with spinach, cottage cheese and a little bit of sauce. Tacos were cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and olives.
• There is a whole array of medicines that treat all kinds of things! Nausea medicine, heartburn medicine, diarrhea medicine. It's like tiny little miracles in every single bottle!
• I didn't know that you should mop the floors. Frequently. Don't even get me started.
• I didn't know that 7-up, while not necessarily beneficial, can taste like nectar from Heaven when you are sick. Instead, we had awful shit like Pau d'Arco Tea which looked, smelled and tasted like boiled dirt. There are no words that can describe this atrocity.
• I didn't know that bread should only crunch if it's toasted. We had bread that had nuts and other large, crunchy stuff in it. And it was so heavy, it could double as a billy club in a pinch.
• I thought Bologna was the coolest thing EVER. We didn't have stuff like that so when I went to a friend's house I always hoped they would serve bologna. On white bread. I was probably the easiest kid to please, just throw me a couple pieces of bologna and white bread and I was a happy camper!

These are the greatest hits of my childhood. Jealous much?

Piercings and other atrocities

My daughter completely threw me under the bus the other day. But let me start at the beginning...

I've always been the opposite of my mom, coincidentally in some ways, deliberately in others...but you get the point. I color my hair, watch movies with bad words, listen to an array of different music, have tattoos, swear, drink. Hm? What's that? Does this have a point? Right, sorry. *clears throat*

I let my kids do a lot of things that my mom doesn't think are a good idea. Little things, but I get "The Look" from her quite a bit. Anyway, my girls and I were having lunch with my mom the other day and my oldest, who's 12, pipes up with, "My mom is going to color my hair green before I go back to school!" Now, before you gasp with shock, I don't color all her hair...just 2 streaks toward the front in the color of her choice. Last time, the streaks were purple. See? That's not so bad, right?

Before my mom has a chance to recover, let alone respond, the kid goes on with, "And then were going to get my ears pierced again!" Thanks for that, kiddo. My mom looks from her to me and back again, then at the 8 year old who is cracking up at this conversation. Mom says, "Next thing you know, you're going to have your eyebrow pierced and your nose pierced and your cheeks pierced...piercings everywhere!" (Yes, because getting your ears pierced is clearly the "gateway" piercing to becoming one big hole. *rolls eyes*)

And what does my sweet daughter say to that? "Oh never Grandma!" or "Of course not!"? No. Out comes the following response, "I'm not going to get a bunch of piercings Grandma...but I am going to get a couple of tattoos." And then she sits there quite pleased with herself while yours truly gets "The Look".