Pick a winner!

So, I was driving into town the other day and while at a stop light, I happened to glance in my rear view mirror. Behind me were two men in a fairly nice car. Both were big guys, tattooed, shaved heads. I guess some would call them a little intimidating. As I was sitting there, waiting for the light to change, I glanced back again.

I wish I hadn't. Seriously. There are some things in life I wish I could unsee. Things like the pink, flabby wiener of the old, fat guy that exposed himself to me when I was young. Not because I was traumatized, but because he was infinitely unattractive and his weenie was a hot mess. I would also like to unsee my backfat, raunchy beer bellies and hairy, overgrown toes. Oh, and Justin Beiber. But sadly, I don't think any of those things can or will be erased from my psyche, so I guess I will just have to carry on.

So, back to the baldies behind me.

The passenger, who happened to be the biggest and most tattooed...your stereotypical tough guy, was picking his nose. Not just a quick, "My nose is itchy, maybe this will help", but a committed up to your elbow, digging for gold pick.

I almost wished I was a kid again, trying to figure out what was wrong with the saggy, pink wienie.

On second thought, I'll take the nose picker.

Now, I was equally grossed out and in awe of this man. We have all picked our nose (You're lying if you say you haven't and lying is bad. Shame on you!). But I would venture to say that for most of us, our picks are of a utilitarian nature. Dust gets in there. Suicidal bugs get in there. Nose hairs tickle. Sometimes, you just have to excavate. However, as much as this is a necessary evil, I would also venture to say that most of us try to practice discretion. Right?

Not so for Baldy. He boldly sent his finger where no finger had gone before. He was a Pioneer!Huzzah! This is were my awe comes in. I thought about it later and decided that he must fall into one of two camps. He is either thee most confident man on earth who couldnt' care less about what people think of him. Or, he has zero social skills and couldn't care less about what people think of him. But, it gave me hope for pickers everywhere, whether recreational or utilitarian. Pickers need not be ashamed!

So, go ahead Pickers, tunnel right on in there!

 I even have a motto for you, "We Pick but Don't Lick!".

Or maybe, "It's Not Sick To Pick!"

Either way, carry on Pickers. The world just might be ready for you.

Do these x-rays make me look fat?

I was at my chiropractor's office last week and he took some spinal x-rays. At the time, I thought...cool! I get to see my bones and my skull and my teeth. I could then bring an image into my mind of using those teeth to snarl and gnash things (like math books and stupid people) and could picture myself doing a skeleton lurch around town scaring the hell out of people.

Yes, I have an active imagination.

Anyway, I went back to his office this week to discuss the x-rays and, if needed, form a plan of action for treatment. So, I sit down in front of his HUGE light box with Little Bit right beside me and my mom behind me. Weird? Yes, but Little Bit loves science-y things and my mom was...just curious. So, I'm sitting there, overflowing with excitement! My skeleton! My badass bones, out there, showing off their mad clacky skills! He dims the lights, he flips the switch on the lightbox.

And there is my body. In all its naked glory.

Yes, you read that right. It wasn't just my super awesome skeleton. It was my skeleton plus some bumps and rolls and bulges. As in, my belly flab and fatback. There was even the faint outline of my silhouette. Lumps and all.

Really?

All I wanted were my clacky bones and what I got was my tubby skeleton. Who even knew skeletons could BE fat? Not me. Every skeleton I've ever seen was stick thin. A walking skeleton, if you will.

Did you see what I did there? A "walking skeleton"? No? Never mind.

So, I'm sitting there trying to listen to my chiropractor explain what he found but in reality, all I can think about is this...My skeleton has a belly roll. Then I started thinking about the airport. People at the airport are fully aware that my skeleton has a belly roll. AND, have seen the outline of "The Girls". Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that why clothes were invented? So our naughty bits wouldn't be on display for all the world to see? But oh no, airline security can see everything. Belly rolls, fatback, boobies.

Awesome.

Then, to cap it all off, Little Bit wants to know, "Mom, can we take some pictures of your x-rays?"
Why, you ask? She wants to bring them to school to show her class.

Uh, no. No, you can't.

Good times.