Thursday, February 24, 2011

It's elementary my dear Watson

I got to thinking today as I was playing with my phone and listening to music and feeling the heat coming out of the vents in my room...modern stuff is great! Then my little brain started to make a list...naturally.

Things I could live without, but wouldn't like it very much

My cell phone. I love my phone. It's the prettiest shade of blue, it has cool ring tones and games and quite frankly, I just feel awesome and incredibly important when I use it.

Migraine medicine. I would willingly give "favors" to the medical team that invented Maxalt. Not only was the pain gone within 30 minutes, but I then went on to enjoy a delightful little tingle all over. *sigh* (BTW, an extra bonus here was when I got to tell my mom that the medicine made me feel slightly high. She still freaks out a little whenever I mention my sordid history of recreational drug use. Yes, it makes me slightly evil that I get pleasure from shocking my mom, but really...she makes it so damn easy.)

Air conditioning. I don't like being hot. As a matter of fact, I HATE being hot. Sweating is nasty and I hate that too. It makes me cranky and I don't like being cranky. I love my air conditioning. Love it. ♥

The Internet. Not only do I use it to take college classes, I love being able to open the magic screen and look up anything I want. I also love Facebook and Goodreads and blogging and iTunes and Etsy and Cakewrecks and Pogo and Netflix and All Recipes. You betcha, the Internet sure is handy dandy.

My washer, dryer and dishwasher. Really, do I have to say anything here? Just think of the alternatives...washboards, clothes lines, dishpan hands. Does this sound like a good time? I didn't think so.

I'm sure there's more that I'm not thinking of right now. I know this because The Mr. enjoys pointing out that I wouldn't have survived very long in the "old days". He seems to have the idea that I am high-maintenance, which I disagree with completely. I'm not high-maintenance, I'm just smart enough to take advantage of my surroundings. Is that so wrong? Is it? It would be wrong of me not to acknowledge the achievements of others. So, in reality, I'm a humanitarian who champions those who dare to dream of what could be!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Did you know that? Now you know

My parents are great. Really, they are, but I have to admit that with their greatness comes some...issues. I didn't know it at the time, but my sister and I were raised really different than other kids we knew. It wasn't until I was an adult that I figured out that things were a little weird in my house. It is a constant source of discovery (for me) and entertainment (for my husband, brother-in-law and best friend) to come across new and interesting things I didn't know before.

So interesting, in fact, I decided to make a list! (If you haven't realized by now, I REALLY like lists.)

Things I didn't know:
  • There should be meat in things like tacos, lasagna, spaghetti. Growing up, we had "mock" lasagna made with spinach, cottage cheese and a little bit of sauce. Tacos were cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and olives.
  • There is a whole array of medicines that treat all kinds of things! Nausea medicine, heartburn medicine, diarrhea medicine. It's like tiny little miracles in every single bottle!
  • I didn't know that you should mop the floors. Frequently. Don't even get me started.
  • I didn't know that 7-up, while not necessarily beneficial, can taste like nectar from Heaven when you are sick. Instead, we had awful shit like Pau d'Arco Tea which looked, smelled and tasted like boiled dirt. There are no words that can describe this atrocity.
  • I didn't know that bread should only crunch if it's toasted. We had bread that had nuts and other large, crunchy stuff in it. And it was so heavy, it could double as a billy club in a pinch.
  • I thought Bologna was the coolest thing EVER. We didn't have stuff like that so when I went to a friend's house I always hoped they would serve bologna. On white bread. I was probably the easiest kid to please, just throw me a couple pieces of bologna and white bread and I was a happy camper!
These are the greatest hits of my childhood. Jealous much?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Lights out

I ate too much for dinner and am pretty sure that if I lay down now,  I will never get up. I mean never, folks. I rarely overeat (this would hard to believe if you could see me but truly, I have bigger issues with snacking than all out overeating but this is not at all the moving on) but tonight was an exception and let me tell you, it's no bueno. No bueno.

So, here I am blogging.

It's been storming here today and it got me thinking about electrical failure. Then I got to thinking about times or places that an electrical failure would be unfortunate. So, thanks to my dinner, may I present for your reading pleasure.

  1. While getting a tattoo. Talk about unfortunate. "So, I see you have a 1/2 tattoo. New trend? Statement? Well done you, bucking tradition! Defying the norm! What an inspiration!" "No, no. Power failure."....."Well, that's lame, isn't it?"
  2. While sitting in the movies. Unless you are there with your sweetheart and the kids are with grandma and you have no dinner reservations and the theater is practically empty. Eh? What's that? When's my anniversary? Umm. Tomorrow. 
  3. In an elevator. I can't even comment on this one. 
  4. While taking an online class exam. Because I don't have enough to worry about.
  5. Anywhere, doing anything in the airport. As if airports aren't already a pain in the ass enough.
  6. The subway. Granted, the closest I've been to the subway involved choosing my bread, toppings and drink but I can't imagine that being underground with a bunch of strangers (some of who probably don't use deodorant) is not my idea of a good time.
  7. In the shower ready to rinse off. I think I might start taking speed showers. Just in case. 
  8. On a ski lift. Hanging 30 feet above the ground with nothing holding you there.
  9. On a roller coaster. Now this could actually happen to me as I am an avid coaster rider. However, I choose to believe that since I am in fact, a superhero, I am impervious to situations like this. 

I'm sure there are more, but my dinner has settled now and my bed is calling to me. That and the Mr. is snoring on the couch and it's driving me absolutely crazy.  

In which Zippy begs for mercy

I am not a fan of school, I never have been. This is funny (not in a Ha Ha sort of way...more like if I don't laugh I will cry sort of way) because I am currently a college student and let's just say I am no spring chicken.


I don't like it...but my kids do. Huh.

My oldest has been sick for about a week with a nasty bronchial thing that makes her cough. Alot. This is no bueno. Especially since she has Reactive Airway Disease and colds tend to settle in her chest and stay there. So, she's been sick and I made her stay home from school yesterday. Now, any ordinary kid would be like, "Whooo Hooooo!", right? Yeah, not my kid. She was not happy with me because she had to stay home. I got the eye roll, the "Moooommmmm!", the "stare", the stomp down the hall. The whole bit. Because she couldn't go to school.

It gets even better.

Today, I took her to the Doc, just to make sure it wasn't something more serious (and it's not ☺) but our Peds Doc wanted her to stay home a few more days. Holy cow Batman, you would have thought he asked her to give her right arm! "Please, please let me go back to school, I feel fine!" So, he dutifully changed the date to tomorrow. She may have well won the lottery, she was so happy.

So, intrepid readers, I ask, I can't even ask. I'm just going to go with it.     

Friday, February 11, 2011


Let's talk about sex, shall we?

This is not about sex as in, "oh, it's so fabulous, but let's not get into details". This is some serious shit folks.

I've been married 15 years this month (in 6 days actually) and I have a serious complaint about sex. Why is it that men and women don't want it at the same time? Really? God couldn't come up with a better plan for sex and the longevity of relationships? Okay, I can agree that when we were teenagers, my husband (well, then boyfriend) and I were on the exact same wave-length about sex. It was completely forbidden so naturally, it was the thing we thought about all the time. All. The. Time. We crafted ingenious ways to be in a secluded place in order to have it. We snuck minutes here and there and amped ourselves up for that moment when we could commandeer a corner or closet or truck bed or (I'm almost ashamed to admit) a friend's bedroom. Life was good.

Fast forward a few years. We have a new baby and my time is totally consumed with her. I'm nursing and staying at home full time and as far as I'm concerned the whole world revolves around her (mostly because I don't know any better). The Mr. can't understand why I don't show any interest in him and I can't understand why he can't get that I can't turn my "faucets" from the 24-hour Dairy Queen to a playground in a matter of minutes.

So, we were at an impasse.

Fortunately, I made new friends, realized that the sun did not rise and set with Zippy and started to feel better about myself.

Fast forward a few more years. We have 2 great girls, a successful business. I go to school and work part-time at a job that I LOVE and life is good.

And then there is sex.


I'm pretty sure it's God's little joke that I want it when he doesn't and vice versa. Or one of us is wiped from the day. Or one of us is sick or the kids are sick.

I'm pretty sure that I read somewhere that men reach their sexual peak at around 18 and women reach theirs at around 35. Are you kidding? This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard and I work with junior highers, so I hear some DUMB shit.

Why can't men and women be on the same schedule? Is this really too much to ask? Is the lack of synchronicity perhaps because if we thought unblinkingly about sex at the same times of our lives that little to nothing would be done in our daily lives? Or is is because God wants us to work extra hard at making our marriages work?

Whatever the reason, I think the whole thing stinks.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Dear me!

The girls and I were on the way home from dance class last night and this is the conversation they were having. I didn't really contribute much as I was trying not to laugh...

"It kinda sucks being a girl."

"I know, right?"

"You have to have periods and your boobs have to hurt when they grow."

"And you have to be pregnant."

"Yeah! And sometimes they have to almost rip open your stomach!"

(At this point, I did intervene and ask them which was better, to have your stomach "ripped" open or to die. They both agreed death was the least sucky option)

"I know, I really don't want to get pregnant, but I really want to adopt."


"Then after you have kids you have to stay with them all the time."

"And drive them everywhere."

"And do all their school stuff with them."

"And boys expect you to stay skinny!"

"I know!!"

"Being a girl is hard."

"All boys have to do is have private parts and get money."

And there you have it.